Zoophilia Wiki - User contributions [en]

Raping niggers

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5rtrgerggrrge

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Bestiality

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==Bestiality==

===Bestiality vs Zoophilia===

While it can be argued that these two terms are interchangeable. Some individuals within the [[Zoo community]] hold different meanings to the word. Though the word has sparked debates in the past. Generally bestiality is referenced as the act of a human having sex with a non-human animal. Sexual activities may or may not involve penetration, but they are sexual behaviors done for gratification.

The easiest way to distinguish bestiality and zoophilia is to say that bestiality is a practice -- it's something people do. Zoophilia is a preference or experience, something people feel. Not everyone who engages in bestiality is a [[zoophile]], and not all people who identify or would be classified as having zoophilia actually have sex with animals.

Another important distinction to make is that only having erotic feelings or fantasies involving animals is not against the law, whereas in many places, having sexual relations with a non-human animal currently is illegal.

==Zoophilia==

For timeless [[sexuality]], see [[zoophilia]].

==Reference==

https://brainly.in/question/2135926

{{Home}}{{Terms}}

[[Category:Terms]]

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User talk:ZooWiki

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== Missing extension ==
Hi Admin! In the course of remediating some of the issues with {{Template link general|Infobox medical condition (new)}} I ran into an issue that can only be solved by the [[mediawikiwiki:Wikibase/Installation|installation of a pretty common extension]] for MediaWiki instances. My suspicion is that it would come in handy fairly often going forward as we continue to de-Wikipedia-ify this place. Where do you stand on the possibility of tackling this? Would the offer of doing the work myself impact your stance at all?

Anyhow, I'm really enjoying my time here so far; thank you kindly for welcoming my involvement!&ensp;— [[User:SockyPaws|SockyPaws]] ([[User talk:SockyPaws|talk]]) 03:22, 27 September 2024 (UTC)
:''*grins sheepishly*'' …and could we make it a double order, while we're at it? [[mediawikiwiki:Extension:JsonConfig#Installation|Extension:JsonConfig]] is needed by [[Module:TNT]], which is needed by [[Template:Columns-start]] and the rest of the Columns template family. 😇&ensp;— [[User:SockyPaws|SockyPaws]] ([[User talk:SockyPaws|talk]]) 21:25, 29 September 2024 (UTC)

== Hiya! ==

Sorry for the delay.
Those can be a good idea. I'm open to some new changes. Getting some dependencies it says it should need and I'll get those plugs installed. On your first message, that explains why certain info boxes were not working the way I was expecting.

== Humbled by your trust—thank you. ==
I just saw my new user rights group memberships and naturally wanted to thank you for the show of confidence. If you have any goals you're especially intent on realizing for this place, please do share them with me if you'd like and I'll do my best to pitch in however I can. 😊 {{Nowrap|— [[User:SockyPaws|SockyPaws]] ([[User talk:SockyPaws|talk]]) 06:27, 26 August 2025 (UTC)}}

== Bloody-stinking-Lua… ==
The Lua interpreter seems hosed on pages with a lot of templates or citations (see [[Human sexuality]] as one potential reproducer), and I believe it has to do with {{Code|$wgScribuntoEngineConf['luastandalone']['cpuLimit']}} in [[mediawikiwiki:Special:MyLanguage/Manual:LocalSettings.php|LocalSettings.php]] being set too low or not being set at all; that key controls the CPU ''time'' limit per caching run and accepts whole integer values representing ''seconds''. At least fussing with that value was what ended up fixing this exact error message when it happened over at Kodi Wiki many many moons ago. If it does happen to be unset, I'd probably try putting it in the vicinity of 20–30 and then finesse it from there (I just remember at the time the fallback value I found in the Mediawiki code that's used when it's unset was laughably conservative, like 9 or thereabouts, but don't quote me on that…it was eons ago). If that's not it, then perhaps {{Code|$wgScribuntoEngineConf['luastandalone']['memoryLimit']}}? Also, don't forget {{Nowrap|{{Code|$wgScribuntoEngineConf['luastandalone']['errorFile'] = '/writable/path/to/file';}}}} can always be put in there, at least while you're tinkering, to introspect what exactly is stalling. (My money's on the [[mediawikiwiki:Extension:DynamicPageList3|DPL3]] extension, but that's more out of the long history of bad blood between me and that particular extension than any real insight into the situation, knowing nothing about the current config. 🤬)

And if you do, in fact, find yourself with that file open in a text editor in the course of squashing this bug, could I impose on you to also toss these two definitions in there while you're at it?
<pre style="background-color:#f8f9fa; border: medium ridge #ccc; color: #000; font-family: monospace; font-size: 1em; margin: 1rem; margin-left: 4rem; overflow: auto; padding: 0.5rem 1rem; width: fit-content;">
$wgAllowUserCss = true;
$wgAllowUserJs = true;
</pre>
If you hadn't guessed already, I code monkey to keep the lights on over here and I'm desperate for some dark mode on this site to spare my poor battle-weary eyes. It'd just be for me, not site-wide. I've already got things set on my end at [[User:SockyPaws/common.css]] and [[User:SockyPaws/common.js]], if you want to take a look, but they're not sourced unless those two keys have truthy values.

Alright, time for me to go hit the sack. I hope all is splendid with you, as always. Wishing you the merriest and zooiest of holidays!

P.S. The search box stopped displaying matching page names while I'm typing in it a little while back. Any idea why?<span style="float: right; margin-right: 2.5rem; white-space: nowrap collapse;">— [[User:SockyPaws|SockyPaws]] ([[User talk:SockyPaws|talk]]) 12:52, 25 December 2025 (UTC)</span>

== Backup / Export / Mirroring ==

Hello! First of all thank you for putting the wiki back together with the help of other benevolent folks ^^

I was wondering with the recent events if it could be possible to regularly export the whole wiki, or even if it could be mirrored somewhere else altogether. It would be effectively better for preserving its content if we can somehow keep an external backup of it.

If you want to take this discussion further, feel free to contact me on whichever platform you feel comfortable with.
<span style="float: right; margin-right: 2.5rem; white-space: nowrap collapse;">— [[User:Tuvik|Tuvik]] ([[User talk:Tuvik|talk]]) 14:46, 01 May 2026 (UTC)</span>

User talk:ZooWiki

2026-05-01T14:37:55Z

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Child pornography

2026-04-01T21:04:14Z

Tuvik: Tuvik moved page Child pornography to Bestiality over redirect: Revert

#REDIRECT [[Bestiality]]

5rtrgerggrrge

2026-04-01T21:04:14Z

Tuvik: Tuvik moved page Child pornography to Bestiality over redirect: Revert

==Bestiality==
===Bestiality vs Zoophilia===

While it can be argued that these two terms are interchangeable. Some individuals within the [[Zoo community]] hold different meanings to the word. Though the word has sparked debates in the past. Generally bestiality is referenced as the act of a human having sex with a non-human animal. Sexual activities may or may not involve penetration, but they are sexual behaviors done for gratification.

The easiest way to distinguish bestiality and zoophilia is to say that bestiality is a practice -- it's something people do. Zoophilia is a preference or experience, something people feel. Not everyone who engages in bestiality is a [[zoophile]], and not all people who identify or would be classified as having zoophilia actually have sex with animals.

Another important distinction to make is that only having erotic feelings or fantasies involving animals is not against the law, whereas in many places, having sexual relations with a non-human animal currently is illegal.

==Zoophilia==
For timeless [[sexuality]], see [[zoophilia]].

==Reference==
https://brainly.in/question/2135926

{{Home}}{{Terms}}
[[Category:Terms]]

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<div style="border-style: hidden; flex-basis: 33%;">[[File:Zeta templatelogo.png|center|middle|x64px|alt=ZETA logo|link=]]<div style="flex-basis: fit-content; flex-wrap: nowrap; font-size: 2.75em; letter-spacing: 0.125em; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #351b0c;">Z</span><span style="color: #8fa990;">E</span><span style="color: #351b0c;">T</span><span style="color: #589294;">A</span></div></div>
<div style="border-style: hidden; flex: auto;">[[File:DogHand.jpg|middle|x128px|link=]]</div>
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Zetapin

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Tuvik:

{{stub}}{{History}}
[[File:Screenshot 2023-11-27 at 23-07-29 https web.archive.org.png|thumb|Zetapin main web page in 2001|left]]The Zetapin website, was itself not a wiki. However, did have a dedicated page for it's wiki. See [[Zoowiki (Zetapin)|ZooWiki]].
Zetapin was a Zoophilia related website that was started in the late 90s. Assuming 1999 based on the recent Wayback Machine result. However, content was not showing until 2001. This could be due to errors with the site during that time. <ref>Zetapin Website 1999 - Wayback Machine

https://web.archive.org/web/20010202023300/http://www.zetapin.de:80/</ref>

They listed various pages such as the Zoo Code, FAQ about Zoophilia, such as Zoophilie - ein Versuch der Differenzierung. (Zoophilia - an attempt to differentiate..) <ref>Zoophilie - ein Versuch der Differenzierung.

https://web.archive.org/web/20001102005431/http://www.zetapin.de/zoofaq/differen.htm</ref>
==Zetapin==

A German wiki that was created in the early 2000's and went derelict near the turn of the century.

These links were recovered from the Zetapin website and added here for education and culture.

* [[The Hidden Lives of the Zoophiles]]
* [[Docking]]
* [[Mating Outside of Heat]]
* [[Experiment With An Animal]]
* [[Social Aspects & Zoophilia]]
* [[Lubrication During Sexual Intercourse]]
* [[ZetaList]]
* [[Legacy ZetaPride]]
* [[Zoo Code]]
* [[Zoophile Vegetarianism]]
* [[Cynophilia]]
* [[Horse]]
* [[Dog]]
* [[Dog Penis]]
* [[ZETA Principles]]
[[Category:History]]

Zetapin

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Zetapin

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Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to
put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I
have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get
out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not
there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced
to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.
-Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get
comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right
now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.
That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city
adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about
singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not
a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now
tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has
reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's
hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.
-Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.
-The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well
then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,
mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a
king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can
become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,
because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette
number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and
hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please
welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.
Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find
out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.
Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot
boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting
cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?
Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.
Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess
Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should
mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this
princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest
man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll
find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's
compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm
not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's
do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That
champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess
Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm
willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not
very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named
champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All
right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank
you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better
idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor
of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp
back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All
right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly
the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.
What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with
full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,
donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?
You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know
what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut
open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For
your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,
Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on
the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You
know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care
what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you
ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is
delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.
Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You
know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a
mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to
warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me
donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,
brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they
don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember
when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't
have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I
mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a
rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For
emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?
-Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.
Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,
please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time
for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!
Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?
Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but
shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,
something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that
breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I
mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and
see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be
up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it
in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.
That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with
me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd
step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,
look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear
this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you
got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl
dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty
out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke
and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a
knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first
meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what
are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down
the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we
have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.
Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.
I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's
not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.
Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is
over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a
physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was
the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should
get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't
do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It
talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the
dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little
unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where
would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble
steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,
no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you
wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a
perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a
dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You
think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.
What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,
now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm
not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not
supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,
who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should
ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and
his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm
sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery
boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me
down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another
question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you
let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How
do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you
find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's
beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way,
princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think
little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure
up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do
that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to
make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods.
Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier
than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over
here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's
perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll
be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said
good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And
that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can
you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.
Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know
you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his
stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,
anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm
gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just
now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No,
do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those
onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want
to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes
you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who?
Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your
problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the
problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and
go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why
I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre.
Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and
annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the
moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah.
You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How
do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of
to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as
you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour.
And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please,
monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of
course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was
annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come
from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives
alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh,
would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt.
-Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me
Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone
know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey!
-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For
getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking.
-I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite...
-Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red
thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good.
Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be
alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess
here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's
Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I
think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey.
-What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well,
that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know
she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I
won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see?
-He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I
can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really
good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also
great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a
little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook
all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... ,
princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't
this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a
minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's,
I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the
dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I
really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look,
I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it.
Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I
did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and
I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess.
Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little
games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the
princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess.
-Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it
something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I
say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen
you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another.
This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's
beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day
when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the
sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if
you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know,
you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it
going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like
you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly?
Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live
happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's
the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't
breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to
keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need
whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye
twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I
want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you.
You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said?
-Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a
hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time.
Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As
promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take
it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For
I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no...
forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to
raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess
Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for
tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious
are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake,
the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing?
You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I
talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't
you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go
with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and
nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I
thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was
thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall
supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and
this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get
half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You
back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly
Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you!
-Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just
shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I
do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad,
how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah.
You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just
like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I
was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She
was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking
about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok,
look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me?
-Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about
me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in
time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is
just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes
kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of
Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you
just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How
about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking
about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever
hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What
are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her!
-Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic
crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the
power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said
it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a
good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's
rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I
need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me.
-But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be
king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about
true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess.
Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for
our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before.
Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight.
-Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See?
-Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my
wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will
have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.
I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona?
-Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona?
Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are
beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to
put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I
have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get
out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not
there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced
to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.
-Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get
comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right
now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.
That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city
adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about
singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not
a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now
tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has
reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's
hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.
-Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.
-The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well
then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,
mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a
king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can
become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,
because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette
number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and
hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please
welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.
Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find
out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.
Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot
boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting
cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?
Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.
Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess
Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should
mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this
princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest
man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll
find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's
compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm
not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's
do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That
champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess
Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm
willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not
very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named
champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All
right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank
you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better
idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor
of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp
back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All
right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly
the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.
What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with
full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,
donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?
You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know
what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut
open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For
your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,
Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on
the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You
know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care
what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you
ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is
delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.
Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You
know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a
mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to
warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me
donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,
brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they
don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember
when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't
have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I
mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a
rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For
emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?
-Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.
Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,
please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time
for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!
Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?
Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but
shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,
something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that
breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I
mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and
see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be
up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it
in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.
That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with
me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd
step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,
look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear
this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you
got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl
dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty
out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke
and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a
knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first
meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what
are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down
the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we
have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.
Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.
I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's
not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.
Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is
over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a
physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was
the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should
get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't
do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It
talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the
dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little
unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where
would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble
steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,
no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you
wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a
perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a
dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You
think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.
What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,
now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm
not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not
supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,
who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should
ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and
his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm
sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery
boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me
down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another
question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you
let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How
do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you
find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's
beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way,
princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think
little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure
up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do
that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to
make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods.
Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier
than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over
here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's
perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll
be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said
good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And
that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can
you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.
Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know
you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his
stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,
anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm
gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just
now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No,
do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those
onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want
to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes
you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who?
Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your
problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the
problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and
go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why
I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre.
Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and
annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the
moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah.
You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How
do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of
to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as
you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour.
And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please,
monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of
course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was
annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come
from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives
alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh,
would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt.
-Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me
Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone
know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey!
-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For
getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking.
-I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite...
-Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red
thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good.
Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be
alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess
here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's
Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I
think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey.
-What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well,
that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know
she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I
won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see?
-He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I
can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really
good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also
great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a
little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook
all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... ,
princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't
this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a
minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's,
I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the
dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I
really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look,
I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it.
Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I
did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and
I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess.
Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little
games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the
princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess.
-Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it
something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I
say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen
you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another.
This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's
beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day
when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the
sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if
you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know,
you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it
going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like
you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly?
Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live
happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's
the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't
breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to
keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need
whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye
twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I
want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you.
You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said?
-Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a
hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time.
Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As
promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take
it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For
I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no...
forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to
raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess
Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for
tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious
are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake,
the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing?
You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I
talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't
you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go
with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and
nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I
thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was
thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall
supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and
this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get
half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You
back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly
Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you!
-Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just
shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I
do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad,
how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah.
You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just
like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I
was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She
was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking
about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok,
look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me?
-Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about
me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in
time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is
just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes
kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of
Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you
just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How
about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking
about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever
hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What
are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her!
-Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic
crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the
power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said
it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a
good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's
rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I
need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me.
-But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be
king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about
true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess.
Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for
our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before.
Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight.
-Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See?
-Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my
wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will
have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.
I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona?
-Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona?
Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are
beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to
put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I
have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get
out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not
there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced
to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.
-Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get
comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right
now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.
That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city
adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about
singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not
a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now
tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has
reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's
hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.
-Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.
-The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well
then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,
mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a
king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can
become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,
because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette
number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and
hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please
welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.
Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find
out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.
Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot
boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting
cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?
Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.
Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess
Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should
mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this
princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest
man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll
find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's
compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm
not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's
do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That
champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess
Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm
willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not
very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named
champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All
right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank
you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better
idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor
of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp
back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All
right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly
the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.
What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with
full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,
donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?
You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know
what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut
open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For
your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,
Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on
the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You
know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care
what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you
ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is
delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.
Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You
know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a
mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to
warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me
donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,
brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they
don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember
when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't
have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I
mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a
rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For
emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?
-Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.
Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,
please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time
for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!
Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?
Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but
shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,
something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that
breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I
mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and
see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be
up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it
in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.
That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with
me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd
step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,
look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear
this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you
got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl
dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty
out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke
and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a
knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first
meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what
are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down
the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we
have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.
Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.
I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's
not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.
Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is
over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a
physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was
the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should
get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't
do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It
talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the
dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little
unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where
would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble
steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,
no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you
wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a
perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a
dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You
think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.
What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,
now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm
not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not
supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,
who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should
ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and
his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm
sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery
boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me
down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another
question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you
let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How
do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you
find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's
beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way,
princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think
little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure
up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do
that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to
make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods.
Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier
than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over
here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's
perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll
be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said
good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And
that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can
you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.
Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know
you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his
stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,
anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm
gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just
now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No,
do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those
onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want
to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes
you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who?
Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your
problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the
problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and
go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why
I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre.
Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and
annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the
moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah.
You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How
do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of
to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as
you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour.
And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please,
monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of
course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was
annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come
from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives
alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh,
would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt.
-Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me
Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone
know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey!
-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For
getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking.
-I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite...
-Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red
thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good.
Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be
alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess
here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's
Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I
think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey.
-What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well,
that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know
she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I
won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see?
-He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I
can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really
good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also
great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a
little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook
all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... ,
princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't
this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a
minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's,
I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the
dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I
really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look,
I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it.
Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I
did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and
I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess.
Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little
games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the
princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess.
-Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it
something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I
say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen
you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another.
This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's
beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day
when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the
sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if
you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know,
you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it
going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like
you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly?
Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live
happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's
the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't
breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to
keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need
whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye
twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I
want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you.
You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said?
-Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a
hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time.
Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As
promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take
it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For
I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no...
forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to
raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess
Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for
tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious
are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake,
the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing?
You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I
talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't
you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go
with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and
nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I
thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was
thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall
supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and
this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get
half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You
back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly
Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you!
-Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just
shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I
do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad,
how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah.
You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just
like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I
was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She
was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking
about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok,
look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me?
-Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about
me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in
time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is
just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes
kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of
Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you
just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How
about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking
about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever
hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What
are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her!
-Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic
crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the
power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said
it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a
good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's
rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I
need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me.
-But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be
king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about
true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess.
Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for
our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before.
Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight.
-Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See?
-Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my
wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will
have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.
I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona?
-Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona?
Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are
beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to
put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I
have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get
out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not
there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced
to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.
-Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get
comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right
now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.
That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city
adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about
singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not
a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now
tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has
reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's
hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.
-Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.
-The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well
then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,
mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a
king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can
become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,
because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette
number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and
hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please
welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.
Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find
out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.
Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot
boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting
cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?
Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.
Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess
Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should
mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this
princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest
man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll
find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's
compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm
not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's
do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That
champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess
Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm
willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not
very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named
champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All
right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank
you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better
idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor
of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp
back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All
right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly
the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.
What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with
full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,
donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?
You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know
what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut
open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For
your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,
Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on
the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You
know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care
what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you
ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is
delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.
Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You
know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a
mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to
warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me
donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,
brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they
don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember
when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't
have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I
mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a
rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For
emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?
-Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.
Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,
please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time
for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!
Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?
Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but
shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,
something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that
breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I
mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and
see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be
up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it
in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.
That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with
me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd
step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,
look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear
this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you
got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl
dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty
out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke
and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a
knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first
meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what
are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down
the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we
have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.
Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.
I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's
not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.
Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is
over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a
physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was
the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should
get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't
do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It
talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the
dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little
unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where
would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble
steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,
no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you
wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a
perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a
dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You
think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.
What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,
now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm
not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not
supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,
who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should
ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and
his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm
sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery
boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me
down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another
question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you
let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How
do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you
find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's
beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way,
princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think
little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure
up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do
that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to
make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods.
Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier
than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over
here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's
perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll
be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said
good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And
that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can
you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.
Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know
you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his
stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,
anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm
gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just
now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No,
do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those
onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want
to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes
you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who?
Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your
problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the
problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and
go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why
I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre.
Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and
annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the
moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah.
You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How
do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of
to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as
you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour.
And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please,
monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of
course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was
annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come
from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives
alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh,
would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt.
-Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me
Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone
know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey!
-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For
getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking.
-I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite...
-Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red
thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good.
Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be
alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess
here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's
Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I
think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey.
-What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well,
that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know
she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I
won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see?
-He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I
can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really
good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also
great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a
little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook
all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... ,
princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't
this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a
minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's,
I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the
dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I
really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look,
I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it.
Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I
did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and
I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess.
Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little
games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the
princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess.
-Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it
something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I
say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen
you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another.
This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's
beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day
when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the
sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if
you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know,
you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it
going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like
you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly?
Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live
happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's
the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't
breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to
keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need
whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye
twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I
want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you.
You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said?
-Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a
hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time.
Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As
promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take
it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For
I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no...
forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to
raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess
Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for
tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious
are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake,
the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing?
You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I
talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't
you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go
with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and
nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I
thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was
thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall
supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and
this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get
half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You
back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly
Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you!
-Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just
shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I
do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad,
how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah.
You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just
like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I
was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She
was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking
about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok,
look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me?
-Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about
me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in
time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is
just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes
kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of
Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you
just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How
about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking
about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever
hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What
are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her!
-Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic
crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the
power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said
it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a
good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's
rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I
need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me.
-But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be
king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about
true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess.
Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for
our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before.
Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight.
-Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See?
-Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my
wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will
have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.
I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona?
-Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona?
Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are
beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to
put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I
have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get
out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not
there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced
to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.
-Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get
comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right
now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.
That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city
adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about
singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not
a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now
tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has
reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's
hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.
-Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.
-The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well
then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,
mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a
king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can
become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,
because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette
number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and
hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please
welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.
Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find
out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.
Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot
boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting
cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?
Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.
Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess
Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should
mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this
princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest
man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll
find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's
compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm
not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's
do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That
champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess
Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm
willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not
very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named
champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All
right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank
you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better
idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor
of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp
back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All
right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly
the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.
What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with
full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,
donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?
You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know
what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut
open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For
your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,
Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on
the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You
know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care
what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you
ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is
delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.
Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You
know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a
mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to
warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me
donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,
brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they
don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember
when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't
have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I
mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a
rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For
emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?
-Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.
Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,
please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time
for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!
Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?
Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but
shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,
something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that
breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I
mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and
see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be
up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it
in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.
That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with
me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd
step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,
look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear
this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you
got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl
dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty
out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke
and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a
knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first
meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what
are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down
the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we
have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.
Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.
I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's
not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.
Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is
over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a
physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was
the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should
get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't
do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It
talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the
dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little
unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where
would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble
steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,
no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you
wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a
perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a
dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You
think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.
What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,
now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm
not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not
supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,
who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should
ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and
his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm
sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery
boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me
down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another
question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you
let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How
do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you
find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's
beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way,
princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think
little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure
up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do
that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to
make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods.
Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier
than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over
here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's
perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll
be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said
good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And
that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can
you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.
Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know
you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his
stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,
anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm
gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just
now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No,
do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those
onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want
to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes
you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who?
Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your
problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the
problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and
go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why
I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre.
Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and
annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the
moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah.
You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How
do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of
to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as
you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour.
And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please,
monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of
course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was
annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come
from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives
alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh,
would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt.
-Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me
Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone
know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey!
-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For
getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking.
-I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite...
-Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red
thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good.
Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be
alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess
here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's
Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I
think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey.
-What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well,
that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know
she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I
won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see?
-He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I
can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really
good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also
great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a
little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook
all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... ,
princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't
this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a
minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's,
I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the
dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I
really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look,
I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it.
Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I
did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and
I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess.
Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little
games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the
princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess.
-Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it
something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I
say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen
you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another.
This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's
beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day
when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the
sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if
you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know,
you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it
going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like
you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly?
Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live
happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's
the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't
breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to
keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need
whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye
twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I
want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you.
You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said?
-Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a
hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time.
Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As
promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take
it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For
I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no...
forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to
raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess
Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for
tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious
are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake,
the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing?
You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I
talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't
you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go
with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and
nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I
thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was
thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall
supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and
this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get
half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You
back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly
Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you!
-Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just
shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I
do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad,
how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah.
You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just
like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I
was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She
was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking
about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok,
look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me?
-Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about
me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in
time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is
just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes
kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of
Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you
just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How
about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking
about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever
hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What
are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her!
-Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic
crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the
power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said
it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a
good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's
rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I
need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me.
-But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be
king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about
true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess.
Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for
our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before.
Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight.
-Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See?
-Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my
wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will
have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.
I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona?
-Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona?
Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are
beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to
put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I
have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get
out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not
there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced
to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.
-Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get
comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right
now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.
That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city
adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about
singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not
a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now
tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has
reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's
hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.
-Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.
-The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well
then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,
mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a
king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can
become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,
because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette
number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and
hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please
welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.
Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find
out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.
Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot
boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting
cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?
Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.
Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess
Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should
mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this
princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest
man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll
find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's
compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm
not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's
do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That
champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess
Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm
willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not
very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named
champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All
right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank
you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better
idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor
of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp
back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All
right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly
the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.
What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with
full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,
donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?
You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know
what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut
open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For
your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,
Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on
the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You
know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care
what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you
ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is
delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.
Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You
know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a
mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to
warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me
donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,
brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they
don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember
when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't
have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I
mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a
rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For
emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?
-Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.
Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,
please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time
for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!
Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?
Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but
shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,
something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that
breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I
mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and
see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be
up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it
in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.
That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with
me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd
step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,
look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear
this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you
got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl
dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty
out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke
and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a
knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first
meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what
are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down
the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we
have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.
Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.
I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's
not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.
Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is
over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a
physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was
the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should
get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't
do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It
talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the
dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little
unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where
would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble
steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,
no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you
wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a
perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a
dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You
think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.
What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,
now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm
not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not
supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,
who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should
ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and
his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm
sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery
boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me
down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another
question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you
let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How
do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you
find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's
beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way,
princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think
little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure
up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do
that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to
make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods.
Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier
than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over
here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's
perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll
be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said
good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And
that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can
you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.
Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know
you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his
stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,
anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm
gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just
now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No,
do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those
onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want
to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes
you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who?
Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your
problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the
problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and
go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why
I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre.
Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and
annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the
moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah.
You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How
do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of
to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as
you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour.
And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please,
monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of
course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was
annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come
from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives
alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh,
would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt.
-Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me
Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone
know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey!
-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For
getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking.
-I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite...
-Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red
thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good.
Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be
alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess
here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's
Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I
think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey.
-What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well,
that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know
she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I
won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see?
-He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I
can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really
good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also
great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a
little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook
all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... ,
princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't
this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a
minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's,
I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the
dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I
really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look,
I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it.
Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I
did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and
I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess.
Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little
games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the
princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess.
-Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it
something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I
say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen
you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another.
This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's
beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day
when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the
sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if
you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know,
you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it
going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like
you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly?
Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live
happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's
the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't
breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to
keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need
whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye
twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I
want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you.
You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said?
-Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a
hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time.
Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As
promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take
it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For
I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no...
forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to
raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess
Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for
tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious
are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake,
the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing?
You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I
talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't
you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go
with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and
nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I
thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was
thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall
supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and
this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get
half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You
back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly
Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you!
-Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just
shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I
do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad,
how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah.
You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just
like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I
was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She
was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking
about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok,
look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me?
-Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about
me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in
time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is
just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes
kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of
Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you
just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How
about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking
about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever
hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What
are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her!
-Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic
crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the
power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said
it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a
good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's
rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I
need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me.
-But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be
king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about
true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess.
Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for
our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before.
Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight.
-Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See?
-Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my
wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will
have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.
I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona?
-Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona?
Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are
beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to
put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I
have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get
out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not
there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced
to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.
-Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get
comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right
now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.
That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city
adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about
singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not
a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now
tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has
reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's
hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.
-Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.
-The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well
then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,
mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a
king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can
become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,
because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette
number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and
hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please
welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.
Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find
out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.
Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot
boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting
cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?
Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.
Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess
Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should
mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this
princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest
man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll
find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's
compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm
not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's
do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That
champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess
Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm
willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not
very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named
champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All
right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank
you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better
idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor
of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp
back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All
right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly
the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.
What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with
full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,
donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?
You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know
what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut
open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For
your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,
Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on
the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You
know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care
what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you
ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is
delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.
Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You
know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a
mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to
warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me
donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,
brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they
don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember
when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't
have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I
mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a
rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For
emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?
-Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.
Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,
please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time
for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!
Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?
Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but
shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,
something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that
breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I
mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and
see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be
up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it
in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.
That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with
me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd
step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,
look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear
this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you
got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl
dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty
out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke
and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a
knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first
meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what
are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down
the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we
have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.
Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.
I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's
not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.
Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is
over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a
physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was
the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should
get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't
do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It
talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the
dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little
unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where
would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble
steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,
no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you
wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a
perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a
dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You
think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.
What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,
now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm
not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not
supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,
who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should
ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and
his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm
sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery
boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me
down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another
question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you
let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How
do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you
find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's
beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way,
princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think
little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure
up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do
that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to
make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods.
Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier
than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over
here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's
perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll
be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said
good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And
that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can
you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.
Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know
you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his
stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,
anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm
gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just
now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No,
do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those
onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want
to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes
you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who?
Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your
problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the
problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and
go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why
I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre.
Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and
annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the
moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah.
You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How
do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of
to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as
you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour.
And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please,
monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of
course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was
annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come
from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives
alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh,
would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt.
-Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me
Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone
know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey!
-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For
getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking.
-I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite...
-Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red
thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good.
Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be
alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess
here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's
Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I
think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey.
-What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well,
that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know
she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I
won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see?
-He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I
can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really
good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also
great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a
little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook
all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... ,
princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't
this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a
minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's,
I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the
dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I
really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look,
I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it.
Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I
did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and
I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess.
Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little
games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the
princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess.
-Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it
something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I
say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen
you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another.
This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's
beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day
when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the
sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if
you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know,
you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it
going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like
you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly?
Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live
happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's
the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't
breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to
keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need
whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye
twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I
want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you.
You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said?
-Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a
hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time.
Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As
promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take
it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For
I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no...
forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to
raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess
Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for
tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious
are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake,
the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing?
You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I
talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't
you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go
with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and
nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I
thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was
thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall
supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and
this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get
half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You
back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly
Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you!
-Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just
shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I
do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad,
how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah.
You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just
like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I
was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She
was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking
about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok,
look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me?
-Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about
me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in
time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is
just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes
kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of
Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you
just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How
about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking
about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever
hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What
are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her!
-Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic
crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the
power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said
it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a
good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's
rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I
need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me.
-But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be
king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about
true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess.
Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for
our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before.
Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight.
-Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See?
-Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my
wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will
have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.
I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona?
-Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona?
Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are
beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to
put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I
have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get
out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not
there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced
to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.
-Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get
comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right
now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.
That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city
adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about
singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not
a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now
tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has
reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's
hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.
-Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.
-The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well
then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,
mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a
king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can
become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,
because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette
number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and
hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please
welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.
Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find
out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.
Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot
boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting
cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?
Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.
Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess
Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should
mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this
princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest
man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll
find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's
compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm
not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's
do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That
champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess
Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm
willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not
very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named
champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All
right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank
you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better
idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor
of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp
back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All
right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly
the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.
What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with
full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,
donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?
You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know
what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut
open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For
your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,
Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on
the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You
know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care
what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you
ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is
delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.
Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You
know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a
mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to
warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me
donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,
brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they
don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember
when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't
have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I
mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a
rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For
emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?
-Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.
Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,
please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time
for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!
Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?
Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but
shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,
something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that
breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I
mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and
see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be
up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it
in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.
That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with
me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd
step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,
look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear
this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you
got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl
dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty
out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke
and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a
knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first
meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what
are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down
the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we
have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.
Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.
I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's
not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.
Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is
over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a
physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was
the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should
get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't
do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It
talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the
dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little
unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where
would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble
steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,
no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you
wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a
perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a
dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You
think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.
What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,
now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm
not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not
supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,
who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should
ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and
his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm
sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery
boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me
down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another
question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you
let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How
do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you
find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's
beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way,
princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think
little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure
up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do
that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to
make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods.
Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier
than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over
here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's
perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll
be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said
good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And
that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can
you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.
Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know
you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his
stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,
anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm
gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just
now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No,
do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those
onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want
to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes
you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who?
Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your
problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the
problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and
go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why
I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre.
Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and
annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the
moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah.
You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How
do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of
to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as
you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour.
And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please,
monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of
course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was
annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come
from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives
alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh,
would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt.
-Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me
Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone
know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey!
-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For
getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking.
-I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite...
-Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red
thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good.
Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be
alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess
here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's
Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I
think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey.
-What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well,
that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know
she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I
won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see?
-He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I
can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really
good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also
great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a
little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook
all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... ,
princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't
this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a
minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's,
I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the
dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I
really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look,
I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it.
Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I
did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and
I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess.
Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little
games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the
princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess.
-Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it
something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I
say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen
you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another.
This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's
beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day
when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the
sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if
you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know,
you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it
going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like
you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly?
Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live
happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's
the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't
breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to
keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need
whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye
twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I
want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you.
You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said?
-Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a
hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time.
Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As
promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take
it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For
I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no...
forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to
raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess
Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for
tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious
are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake,
the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing?
You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I
talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't
you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go
with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and
nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I
thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was
thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall
supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and
this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get
half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You
back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly
Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you!
-Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just
shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I
do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad,
how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah.
You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just
like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I
was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She
was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking
about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok,
look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me?
-Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about
me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in
time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is
just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes
kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of
Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you
just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How
about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking
about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever
hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What
are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her!
-Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic
crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the
power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said
it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a
good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's
rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I
need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me.
-But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be
king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about
true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess.
Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for
our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before.
Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight.
-Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See?
-Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my
wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will
have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.
I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona?
-Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona?
Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are
beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to
put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I
have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get
out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not
there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced
to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.
-Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get
comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right
now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.
That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city
adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about
singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not
a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now
tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has
reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's
hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.
-Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.
-The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well
then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,
mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a
king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can
become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,
because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette
number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and
hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please
welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.
Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find
out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.
Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot
boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting
cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?
Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.
Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess
Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should
mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this
princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest
man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll
find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's
compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm
not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's
do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That
champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess
Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm
willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not
very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named
champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All
right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank
you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better
idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor
of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp
back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All
right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly
the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.
What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with
full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,
donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?
You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know
what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut
open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For
your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,
Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on
the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You
know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care
what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you
ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is
delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.
Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You
know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a
mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to
warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me
donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,
brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they
don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember
when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't
have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I
mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a
rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For
emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?
-Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.
Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,
please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time
for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!
Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?
Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but
shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,
something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that
breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I
mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and
see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be
up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it
in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.
That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with
me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd
step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,
look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear
this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you
got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl
dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty
out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke
and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a
knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first
meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what
are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down
the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we
have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.
Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.
I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's
not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.
Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is
over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a
physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was
the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should
get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't
do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It
talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the
dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little
unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where
would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble
steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,
no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you
wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a
perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a
dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You
think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.
What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,
now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm
not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not
supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,
who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should
ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and
his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm
sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery
boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me
down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another
question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you
let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How
do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you
find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's
beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way,
princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think
little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure
up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do
that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to
make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods.
Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier
than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over
here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's
perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll
be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said
good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And
that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can
you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.
Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know
you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his
stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,
anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm
gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just
now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No,
do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those
onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want
to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes
you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who?
Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your
problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the
problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and
go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why
I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre.
Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and
annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the
moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah.
You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How
do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of
to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as
you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour.
And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please,
monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of
course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was
annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come
from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives
alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh,
would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt.
-Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me
Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone
know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey!
-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For
getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking.
-I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite...
-Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red
thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good.
Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be
alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess
here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's
Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I
think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey.
-What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well,
that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know
she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I
won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see?
-He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I
can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really
good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also
great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a
little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook
all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... ,
princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't
this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a
minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's,
I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the
dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I
really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look,
I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it.
Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I
did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and
I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess.
Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little
games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the
princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess.
-Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it
something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I
say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen
you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another.
This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's
beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day
when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the
sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if
you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know,
you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it
going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like
you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly?
Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live
happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's
the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't
breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to
keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need
whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye
twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I
want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you.
You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said?
-Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a
hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time.
Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As
promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take
it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For
I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no...
forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to
raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess
Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for
tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious
are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake,
the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing?
You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I
talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't
you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go
with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and
nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I
thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was
thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall
supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and
this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get
half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You
back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly
Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you!
-Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just
shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I
do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad,
how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah.
You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just
like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I
was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She
was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking
about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok,
look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me?
-Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about
me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in
time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is
just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes
kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of
Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you
just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How
about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking
about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever
hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What
are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her!
-Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic
crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the
power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said
it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a
good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's
rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I
need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me.
-But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be
king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about
true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess.
Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for
our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before.
Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight.
-Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See?
-Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my
wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will
have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.
I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona?
-Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona?
Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are
beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to
put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I
have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get
out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not
there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced
to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.
-Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get
comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right
now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.
That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city
adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about
singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not
a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now
tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has
reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's
hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.
-Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.
-The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well
then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,
mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a
king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can
become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,
because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette
number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and
hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please
welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.
Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find
out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.
Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot
boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting
cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?
Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.
Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess
Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should
mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this
princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest
man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll
find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's
compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm
not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's
do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That
champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess
Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm
willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not
very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named
champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All
right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank
you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better
idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor
of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp
back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All
right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly
the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.
What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with
full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,
donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?
You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know
what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut
open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For
your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,
Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on
the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You
know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care
what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you
ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is
delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.
Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You
know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a
mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to
warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me
donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,
brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they
don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember
when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't
have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I
mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a
rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For
emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?
-Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.
Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,
please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time
for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!
Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?
Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but
shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,
something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that
breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I
mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and
see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be
up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it
in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.
That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with
me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd
step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,
look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear
this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you
got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl
dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty
out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke
and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a
knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first
meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what
are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down
the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we
have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.
Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.
I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's
not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.
Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is
over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a
physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was
the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should
get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't
do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It
talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the
dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little
unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where
would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble
steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,
no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you
wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a
perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a
dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You
think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.
What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,
now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm
not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not
supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,
who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should
ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and
his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm
sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery
boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me
down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another
question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you
let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How
do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you
find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's
beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way,
princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think
little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure
up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do
that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to
make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods.
Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier
than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over
here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's
perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll
be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said
good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And
that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can
you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.
Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know
you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his
stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,
anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm
gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just
now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No,
do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those
onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want
to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes
you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who?
Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your
problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the
problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and
go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why
I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre.
Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and
annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the
moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah.
You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How
do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of
to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as
you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour.
And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please,
monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of
course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was
annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come
from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives
alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh,
would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt.
-Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me
Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone
know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey!
-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For
getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking.
-I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite...
-Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red
thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good.
Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be
alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess
here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's
Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I
think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey.
-What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well,
that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know
she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I
won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see?
-He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I
can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really
good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also
great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a
little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook
all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... ,
princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't
this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a
minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's,
I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the
dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I
really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look,
I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it.
Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I
did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and
I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess.
Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little
games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the
princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess.
-Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it
something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I
say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen
you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another.
This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's
beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day
when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the
sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if
you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know,
you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it
going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like
you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly?
Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live
happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's
the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't
breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to
keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need
whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye
twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I
want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you.
You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said?
-Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a
hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time.
Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As
promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take
it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For
I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no...
forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to
raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess
Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for
tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious
are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake,
the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing?
You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I
talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't
you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go
with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and
nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I
thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was
thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall
supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and
this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get
half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You
back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly
Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you!
-Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just
shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I
do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad,
how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah.
You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just
like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I
was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She
was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking
about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok,
look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me?
-Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about
me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in
time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is
just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes
kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of
Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you
just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How
about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking
about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever
hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What
are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her!
-Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic
crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the
power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said
it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a
good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's
rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I
need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me.
-But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be
king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about
true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess.
Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for
our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before.
Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight.
-Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See?
-Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my
wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will
have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.
I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona?
-Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona?
Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are
beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to
put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I
have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get
out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not
there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced
to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.
-Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get
comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right
now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.
That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city
adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about
singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not
a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now
tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has
reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's
hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.
-Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.
-The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well
then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,
mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a
king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can
become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,
because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette
number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and
hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please
welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.
Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find
out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.
Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot
boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting
cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?
Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.
Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess
Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should
mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this
princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest
man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll
find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's
compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm
not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's
do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That
champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess
Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm
willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not
very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named
champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All
right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank
you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better
idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor
of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp
back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All
right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly
the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.
What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with
full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,
donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?
You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know
what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut
open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For
your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,
Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on
the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You
know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care
what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you
ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is
delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.
Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You
know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a
mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to
warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me
donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,
brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they
don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember
when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't
have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I
mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a
rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For
emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?
-Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.
Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,
please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time
for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!
Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?
Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but
shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,
something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that
breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I
mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and
see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be
up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it
in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.
That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with
me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd
step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,
look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear
this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you
got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl
dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty
out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke
and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a
knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first
meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what
are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down
the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we
have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.
Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.
I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's
not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.
Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is
over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a
physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was
the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should
get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't
do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It
talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the
dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little
unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where
would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble
steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,
no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you
wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a
perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a
dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You
think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.
What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,
now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm
not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not
supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,
who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should
ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and
his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm
sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery
boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me
down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another
question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you
let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How
do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you
find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's
beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way,
princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think
little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure
up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do
that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to
make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods.
Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier
than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over
here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's
perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll
be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said
good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And
that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can
you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.
Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know
you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his
stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,
anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm
gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just
now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No,
do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those
onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want
to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes
you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who?
Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your
problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the
problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and
go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why
I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre.
Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and
annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the
moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah.
You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How
do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of
to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as
you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour.
And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please,
monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of
course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was
annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come
from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives
alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh,
would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt.
-Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me
Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone
know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey!
-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For
getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking.
-I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite...
-Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red
thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good.
Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be
alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess
here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's
Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I
think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey.
-What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well,
that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know
she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I
won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see?
-He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I
can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really
good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also
great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a
little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook
all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... ,
princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't
this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a
minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's,
I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the
dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I
really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look,
I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it.
Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I
did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and
I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess.
Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little
games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the
princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess.
-Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it
something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I
say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen
you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another.
This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's
beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day
when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the
sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if
you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know,
you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it
going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like
you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly?
Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live
happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's
the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't
breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to
keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need
whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye
twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I
want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you.
You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said?
-Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a
hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time.
Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As
promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take
it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For
I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no...
forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to
raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess
Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for
tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious
are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake,
the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing?
You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I
talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't
you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go
with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and
nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I
thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was
thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall
supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and
this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get
half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You
back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly
Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you!
-Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just
shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I
do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad,
how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah.
You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just
like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I
was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She
was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking
about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok,
look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me?
-Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about
me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in
time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is
just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes
kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of
Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you
just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How
about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking
about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever
hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What
are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her!
-Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic
crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the
power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said
it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a
good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's
rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I
need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me.
-But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be
king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about
true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess.
Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for
our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before.
Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight.
-Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See?
-Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my
wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will
have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.
I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona?
-Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona?
Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are
beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to
put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I
have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get
out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not
there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced
to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.
-Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get
comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right
now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.
That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city
adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about
singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not
a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now
tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has
reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's
hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.
-Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.
-The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well
then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,
mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a
king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can
become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,
because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette
number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and
hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please
welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.
Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find
out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.
Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot
boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting
cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?
Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.
Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess
Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should
mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this
princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest
man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll
find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's
compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm
not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's
do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That
champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess
Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm
willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not
very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named
champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All
right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank
you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better
idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor
of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp
back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All
right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly
the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.
What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with
full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,
donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?
You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know
what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut
open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For
your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,
Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on
the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You
know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care
what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you
ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is
delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.
Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You
know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a
mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to
warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me
donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,
brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they
don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember
when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't
have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I
mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a
rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For
emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?
-Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.
Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,
please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time
for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!
Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?
Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but
shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,
something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that
breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I
mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and
see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be
up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it
in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.
That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with
me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd
step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,
look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear
this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you
got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl
dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty
out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke
and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a
knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first
meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what
are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down
the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we
have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.
Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.
I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's
not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.
Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is
over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a
physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was
the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should
get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't
do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It
talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the
dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little
unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where
would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble
steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,
no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you
wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a
perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a
dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You
think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.
What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,
now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm
not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not
supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,
who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should
ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and
his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm
sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery
boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me
down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another
question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you
let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How
do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you
find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's
beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way,
princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think
little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure
up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do
that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to
make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods.
Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier
than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over
here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's
perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll
be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said
good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And
that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can
you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.
Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know
you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his
stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,
anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm
gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just
now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No,
do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those
onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want
to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes
you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who?
Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your
problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the
problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and
go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why
I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre.
Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and
annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the
moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah.
You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How
do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of
to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as
you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour.
And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please,
monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of
course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was
annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come
from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives
alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh,
would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt.
-Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me
Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone
know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey!
-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For
getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking.
-I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite...
-Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red
thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good.
Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be
alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess
here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's
Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I
think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey.
-What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well,
that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know
she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I
won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see?
-He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I
can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really
good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also
great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a
little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook
all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... ,
princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't
this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a
minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's,
I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the
dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I
really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look,
I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it.
Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I
did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and
I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess.
Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little
games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the
princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess.
-Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it
something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I
say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen
you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another.
This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's
beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day
when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the
sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if
you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know,
you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it
going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like
you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly?
Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live
happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's
the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't
breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to
keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need
whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye
twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I
want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you.
You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said?
-Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a
hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time.
Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As
promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take
it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For
I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no...
forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to
raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess
Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for
tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious
are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake,
the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing?
You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I
talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't
you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go
with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and
nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I
thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was
thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall
supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and
this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get
half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You
back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly
Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you!
-Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just
shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I
do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad,
how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah.
You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just
like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I
was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She
was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking
about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok,
look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me?
-Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about
me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in
time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is
just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes
kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of
Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you
just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How
about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking
about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever
hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What
are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her!
-Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic
crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the
power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said
it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a
good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's
rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I
need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me.
-But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be
king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about
true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess.
Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for
our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before.
Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight.
-Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See?
-Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my
wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will
have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.
I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona?
-Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona?
Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are
beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to
put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I
have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get
out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not
there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced
to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.
-Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get
comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right
now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.
That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city
adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about
singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not
a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now
tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has
reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's
hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.
-Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.
-The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well
then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,
mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a
king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can
become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,
because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette
number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and
hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please
welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.
Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find
out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.
Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot
boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting
cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?
Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.
Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess
Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should
mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this
princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest
man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll
find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's
compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm
not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's
do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That
champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess
Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm
willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not
very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named
champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All
right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank
you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better
idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor
of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp
back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All
right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly
the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.
What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with
full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,
donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?
You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know
what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut
open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For
your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,
Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on
the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You
know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care
what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you
ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is
delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.
Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You
know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a
mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to
warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me
donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,
brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they
don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember
when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't
have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I
mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a
rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For
emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?
-Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.
Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,
please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time
for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!
Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?
Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but
shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,
something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that
breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I
mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and
see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be
up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it
in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.
That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with
me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd
step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,
look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear
this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you
got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl
dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty
out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke
and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a
knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first
meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what
are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down
the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we
have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.
Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.
I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's
not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.
Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is
over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a
physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was
the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should
get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't
do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It
talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the
dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little
unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where
would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble
steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,
no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you
wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a
perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a
dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You
think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.
What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,
now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm
not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not
supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,
who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should
ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and
his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm
sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery
boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me
down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another
question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you
let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How
do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you
find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's
beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way,
princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think
little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure
up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do
that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to
make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods.
Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier
than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over
here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's
perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll
be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said
good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And
that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can
you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.
Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know
you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his
stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,
anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm
gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just
now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No,
do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those
onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want
to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes
you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who?
Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your
problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the
problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and
go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why
I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre.
Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and
annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the
moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah.
You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How
do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of
to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as
you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour.
And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please,
monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of
course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was
annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come
from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives
alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh,
would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt.
-Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me
Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone
know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey!
-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For
getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking.
-I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite...
-Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red
thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good.
Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be
alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess
here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's
Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I
think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey.
-What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well,
that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know
she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I
won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see?
-He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I
can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really
good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also
great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a
little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook
all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... ,
princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't
this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a
minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's,
I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the
dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I
really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look,
I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it.
Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I
did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and
I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess.
Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little
games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the
princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess.
-Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it
something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I
say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen
you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another.
This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's
beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day
when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the
sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if
you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know,
you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it
going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like
you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly?
Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live
happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's
the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't
breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to
keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need
whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye
twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I
want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you.
You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said?
-Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a
hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time.
Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As
promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take
it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For
I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no...
forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to
raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess
Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for
tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious
are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake,
the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing?
You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I
talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't
you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go
with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and
nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I
thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was
thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall
supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and
this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get
half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You
back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly
Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you!
-Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just
shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I
do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad,
how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah.
You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just
like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I
was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She
was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking
about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok,
look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me?
-Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about
me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in
time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is
just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes
kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of
Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you
just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How
about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking
about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever
hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What
are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her!
-Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic
crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the
power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said
it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a
good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's
rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I
need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me.
-But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be
king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about
true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess.
Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for
our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before.
Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight.
-Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See?
-Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my
wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will
have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.
I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona?
-Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona?
Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are
beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to
put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I
have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get
out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not
there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced
to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.
-Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get
comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right
now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.
That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city
adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about
singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not
a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now
tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has
reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's
hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.
-Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.
-The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well
then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,
mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a
king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can
become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,
because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette
number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and
hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please
welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.
Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find
out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.
Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot
boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting
cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?
Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.
Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess
Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should
mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this
princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest
man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll
find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's
compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm
not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's
do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That
champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess
Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm
willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not
very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named
champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All
right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank
you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better
idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor
of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp
back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All
right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly
the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.
What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with
full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,
donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?
You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know
what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut
open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For
your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,
Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on
the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You
know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care
what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you
ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is
delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.
Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You
know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a
mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to
warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me
donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,
brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they
don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember
when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't
have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I
mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a
rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For
emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?
-Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.
Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,
please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time
for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!
Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?
Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but
shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,
something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that
breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I
mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and
see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be
up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it
in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.
That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with
me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd
step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,
look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear
this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you
got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl
dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty
out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke
and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a
knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first
meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what
are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down
the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we
have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.
Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.
I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's
not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.
Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is
over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a
physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was
the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should
get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't
do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It
talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the
dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little
unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where
would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble
steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,
no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you
wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a
perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a
dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You
think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.
What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,
now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm
not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not
supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,
who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should
ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and
his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm
sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery
boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me
down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another
question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you
let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How
do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you
find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's
beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way,
princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think
little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure
up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do
that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to
make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods.
Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier
than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over
here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's
perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll
be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said
good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And
that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can
you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.
Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know
you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his
stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,
anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm
gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just
now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No,
do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those
onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want
to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes
you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who?
Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your
problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the
problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and
go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why
I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre.
Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and
annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the
moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah.
You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How
do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of
to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as
you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour.
And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please,
monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of
course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was
annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come
from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives
alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh,
would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt.
-Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me
Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone
know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey!
-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For
getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking.
-I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite...
-Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red
thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good.
Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be
alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess
here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's
Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I
think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey.
-What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well,
that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know
she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I
won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see?
-He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I
can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really
good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also
great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a
little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook
all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... ,
princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't
this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a
minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's,
I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the
dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I
really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look,
I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it.
Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I
did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and
I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess.
Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little
games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the
princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess.
-Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it
something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I
say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen
you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another.
This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's
beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day
when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the
sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if
you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know,
you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it
going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like
you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly?
Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live
happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's
the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't
breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to
keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need
whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye
twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I
want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you.
You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said?
-Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a
hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time.
Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As
promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take
it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For
I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no...
forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to
raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess
Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for
tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious
are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake,
the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing?
You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I
talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't
you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go
with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and
nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I
thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was
thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall
supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and
this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get
half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You
back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly
Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you!
-Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just
shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I
do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad,
how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah.
You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just
like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I
was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She
was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking
about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok,
look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me?
-Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about
me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in
time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is
just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes
kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of
Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you
just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How
about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking
about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever
hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What
are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her!
-Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic
crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the
power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said
it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a
good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's
rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I
need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me.
-But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be
king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about
true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess.
Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for
our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before.
Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight.
-Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See?
-Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my
wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will
have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.
I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona?
-Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona?
Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are
beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to
put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I
have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get
out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not
there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced
to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.
-Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get
comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right
now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.
That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city
adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about
singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not
a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now
tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has
reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's
hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.
-Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.
-The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well
then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,
mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a
king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can
become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,
because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette
number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and
hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please
welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.
Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find
out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.
Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot
boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting
cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?
Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.
Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess
Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should
mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this
princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest
man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll
find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's
compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm
not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's
do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That
champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess
Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm
willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not
very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named
champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All
right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank
you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better
idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor
of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp
back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All
right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly
the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.
What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with
full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,
donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?
You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know
what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut
open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For
your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,
Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on
the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You
know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care
what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you
ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is
delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.
Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You
know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a
mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to
warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me
donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,
brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they
don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember
when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't
have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I
mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a
rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For
emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?
-Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.
Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,
please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time
for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!
Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?
Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but
shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,
something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that
breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I
mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and
see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be
up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it
in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.
That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with
me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd
step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,
look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear
this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you
got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl
dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty
out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke
and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a
knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first
meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what
are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down
the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we
have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.
Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.
I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's
not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.
Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is
over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a
physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was
the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should
get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't
do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It
talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the
dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little
unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where
would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble
steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,
no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you
wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a
perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a
dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You
think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.
What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,
now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm
not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not
supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,
who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should
ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and
his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm
sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery
boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me
down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another
question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you
let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How
do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you
find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's
beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way,
princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think
little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure
up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do
that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to
make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods.
Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier
than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over
here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's
perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll
be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said
good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And
that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can
you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.
Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know
you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his
stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,
anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm
gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just
now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No,
do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those
onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want
to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes
you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who?
Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your
problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the
problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and
go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why
I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre.
Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and
annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the
moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah.
You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How
do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of
to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as
you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour.
And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please,
monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of
course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was
annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come
from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives
alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh,
would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt.
-Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me
Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone
know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey!
-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For
getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking.
-I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite...
-Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red
thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good.
Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be
alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess
here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's
Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I
think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey.
-What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well,
that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know
she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I
won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see?
-He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I
can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really
good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also
great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a
little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook
all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... ,
princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't
this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a
minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's,
I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the
dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I
really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look,
I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it.
Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I
did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and
I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess.
Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little
games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the
princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess.
-Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it
something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I
say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen
you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another.
This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's
beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day
when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the
sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if
you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know,
you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it
going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like
you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly?
Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live
happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's
the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't
breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to
keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need
whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye
twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I
want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you.
You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said?
-Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a
hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time.
Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As
promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take
it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For
I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no...
forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to
raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess
Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for
tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious
are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake,
the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing?
You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I
talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't
you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go
with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and
nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I
thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was
thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall
supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and
this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get
half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You
back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly
Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you!
-Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just
shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I
do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad,
how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah.
You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just
like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I
was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She
was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking
about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok,
look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me?
-Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about
me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in
time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is
just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes
kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of
Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you
just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How
about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking
about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever
hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What
are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her!
-Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic
crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the
power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said
it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a
good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's
rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I
need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me.
-But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be
king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about
true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess.
Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for
our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before.
Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight.
-Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See?
-Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my
wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will
have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.
I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona?
-Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona?
Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are
beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to
put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I
have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get
out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not
there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced
to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.
-Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get
comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right
now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.
That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city
adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about
singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not
a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now
tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has
reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's
hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.
-Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.
-The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well
then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,
mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a
king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can
become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,
because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette
number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and
hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please
welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.
Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find
out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.
Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot
boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting
cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?
Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.
Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess
Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should
mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this
princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest
man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll
find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's
compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm
not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's
do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That
champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess
Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm
willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not
very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named
champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All
right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank
you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better
idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor
of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp
back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All
right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly
the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.
What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with
full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,
donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?
You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know
what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut
open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For
your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,
Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on
the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You
know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care
what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you
ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is
delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.
Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You
know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a
mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to
warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me
donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,
brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they
don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember
when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't
have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I
mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a
rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For
emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?
-Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.
Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,
please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time
for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!
Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?
Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but
shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,
something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that
breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I
mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and
see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be
up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it
in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.
That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with
me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd
step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,
look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear
this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you
got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl
dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty
out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke
and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a
knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first
meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what
are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down
the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we
have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.
Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.
I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's
not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.
Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is
over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a
physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was
the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should
get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't
do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It
talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the
dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little
unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where
would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble
steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,
no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you
wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a
perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a
dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You
think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.
What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,
now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm
not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not
supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,
who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should
ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and
his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm
sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery
boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me
down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another
question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you
let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How
do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you
find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's
beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way,
princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think
little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure
up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do
that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to
make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods.
Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier
than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over
here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's
perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll
be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said
good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And
that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can
you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.
Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know
you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his
stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,
anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm
gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just
now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No,
do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those
onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want
to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes
you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who?
Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your
problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the
problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and
go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why
I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre.
Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and
annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the
moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah.
You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How
do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of
to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as
you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour.
And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please,
monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of
course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was
annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come
from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives
alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh,
would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt.
-Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me
Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone
know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey!
-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For
getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking.
-I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite...
-Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red
thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good.
Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be
alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess
here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's
Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I
think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey.
-What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well,
that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know
she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I
won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see?
-He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I
can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really
good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also
great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a
little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook
all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... ,
princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't
this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a
minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's,
I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the
dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I
really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look,
I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it.
Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I
did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and
I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess.
Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little
games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the
princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess.
-Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it
something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I
say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen
you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another.
This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's
beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day
when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the
sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if
you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know,
you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it
going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like
you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly?
Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live
happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's
the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't
breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to
keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need
whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye
twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I
want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you.
You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said?
-Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a
hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time.
Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As
promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take
it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For
I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no...
forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to
raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess
Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for
tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious
are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake,
the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing?
You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I
talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't
you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go
with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and
nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I
thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was
thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall
supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and
this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get
half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You
back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly
Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you!
-Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just
shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I
do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad,
how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah.
You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just
like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I
was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She
was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking
about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok,
look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me?
-Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about
me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in
time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is
just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes
kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of
Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you
just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How
about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking
about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever
hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What
are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her!
-Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic
crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the
power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said
it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a
good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's
rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I
need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me.
-But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be
king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about
true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess.
Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for
our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before.
Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight.
-Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See?
-Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my
wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will
have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.
I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona?
-Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona?
Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are
beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to
put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I
have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get
out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not
there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced
to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.
-Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get
comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right
now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.
That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city
adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about
singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not
a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now
tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has
reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's
hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.
-Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.
-The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well
then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,
mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a
king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can
become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,
because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette
number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and
hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please
welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.
Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find
out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.
Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot
boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting
cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?
Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.
Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess
Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should
mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this
princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest
man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll
find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's
compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm
not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's
do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That
champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess
Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm
willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not
very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named
champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All
right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank
you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better
idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor
of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp
back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All
right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly
the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.
What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with
full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,
donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?
You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know
what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut
open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For
your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,
Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on
the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You
know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care
what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you
ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is
delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.
Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You
know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a
mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to
warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me
donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,
brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they
don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember
when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't
have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I
mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a
rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For
emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?
-Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.
Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,
please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time
for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!
Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?
Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but
shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,
something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that
breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I
mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and
see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be
up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it
in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.
That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with
me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd
step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,
look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear
this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you
got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl
dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty
out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke
and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a
knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first
meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what
are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down
the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we
have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.
Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.
I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's
not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.
Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is
over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a
physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was
the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should
get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't
do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It
talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the
dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little
unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where
would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble
steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,
no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you
wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a
perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a
dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You
think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.
What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,
now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm
not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not
supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,
who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should
ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and
his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm
sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery
boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me
down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another
question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you
let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How
do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you
find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's
beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way,
princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think
little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure
up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do
that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to
make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods.
Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier
than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over
here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's
perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll
be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said
good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And
that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can
you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.
Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know
you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his
stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,
anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm
gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just
now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No,
do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those
onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want
to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes
you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who?
Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your
problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the
problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and
go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why
I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre.
Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and
annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the
moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah.
You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How
do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of
to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as
you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour.
And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please,
monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of
course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was
annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come
from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives
alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh,
would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt.
-Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me
Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone
know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey!
-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For
getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking.
-I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite...
-Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red
thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good.
Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be
alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess
here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's
Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I
think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey.
-What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well,
that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know
she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I
won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see?
-He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I
can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really
good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also
great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a
little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook
all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... ,
princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't
this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a
minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's,
I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the
dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I
really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look,
I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it.
Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I
did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and
I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess.
Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little
games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the
princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess.
-Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it
something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I
say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen
you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another.
This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's
beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day
when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the
sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if
you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know,
you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it
going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like
you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly?
Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live
happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's
the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't
breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to
keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need
whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye
twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I
want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you.
You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said?
-Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a
hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time.
Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As
promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take
it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For
I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no...
forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to
raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess
Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for
tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious
are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake,
the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing?
You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I
talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't
you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go
with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and
nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I
thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was
thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall
supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and
this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get
half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You
back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly
Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you!
-Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just
shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I
do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad,
how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah.
You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just
like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I
was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She
was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking
about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok,
look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me?
-Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about
me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in
time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is
just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes
kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of
Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you
just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How
about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking
about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever
hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What
are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her!
-Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic
crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the
power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said
it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a
good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's
rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I
need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me.
-But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be
king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about
true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess.
Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for
our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before.
Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight.
-Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See?
-Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my
wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will
have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.
I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona?
-Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona?
Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are
beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.

Eeeeeeeeeeeee

2026-04-01T20:52:45Z

Tuvik: Blanking page

Rg

2026-04-01T20:52:01Z

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Zooier Than Thou

2026-04-01T20:50:20Z

Tuvik: Replaced content with "{{stub}} Zooier Than Thou Logo [https://zoo.wtf Zooier Than Thou] is a zooey podcast in a Variety Show format. After an introduction, letters from listeners are read out. Around the main topic, the show contains skits like "Ask Zooey" (cross-species romantic advice), "Secret Zoo" (an exposé about an historical figure or pop-culture icon whose zooeyness is apparent), music, poetry, stories, 'sponsors', news, or..."

{{stub}}

[[File:ZTT_logo.png|thumb|240px|Zooier Than Thou Logo]]

[https://zoo.wtf Zooier Than Thou] is a [[zooey]] podcast in a Variety Show format. After an introduction, letters from listeners are read out. Around the [[Portal:Main|main]] topic, the show contains skits like "Ask Zooey" (cross-species romantic advice), "Secret Zoo" (an exposé about an historical figure or pop-culture icon whose zooeyness is apparent), music, poetry, stories, 'sponsors', news, or community information. Bonus episodes are sometimes released with additional content.

== The Start of Zooier Than Thou ==
Zooier Than Thou started with [[Toggle]] and [[Douglas "Fausty" Spink|Fausty]] in March of 2019 to show zoos and non-zoos a vision of what is possible with [[interspecies]] connection. There have been
Over 40 episodes created as of mid-2021, helping those with questions about [[zoophilia]] and zoo [[history]].

You can also get started with their [https://zoo.wtf/episode-list/essentials/ Essential Episodes] to get up to speed on future episodes. Listen to the most impactful and important series of Zooier Than Thou.

== Transcripts ==

The podcast used otter.ai to generate transcripts in the first season, but they relied on people to help produce good transcripts. The transcripts were shared through a Github repository:
https://github.com/zooier/podcaststuff/tree/master/assets/transcripts<br>
The github repo was maintained by [[Fausty]] and can't be updated any more.

Season 1 [[Zooier Than Thou Transcripts]]

Starting with S02E09 The Traveling Zoo, synchronized transcripts are provided directly on the episode on the [https://zoo.wtf/all-episodes/ Zooier Than Thou] website.

== Meet the Hosts<ref>Meet the Hosts https://zoo.wtf/</ref> ==
At the time, Zooier Than Thou featured Toggle and Fausty.

====== [[Toggle]] ======
Toggle is one of the original co-founders of ZooTT, bringing his background in communications and media to the table. Though it may sound like his balls haven't dropped yet, he is known for speaking his mind and using his voice to discuss difficult topics with nuance and a healthy dose of profanity. Toggle likes to spend his free time playing Mario Kart, making terrible puns, and writing zooey rap songs.

====== [[Fausty]] ======
Fausty was no stranger to the zoo community, a name that's both famous and infamous, depending on whom you ask. Known for his outspoken zoo activism, his work in computer security and privacy, and for literally jumping off of cliffs (BASE 715), Fausty enjoyed reading everything he could get his paws on, studying law, and being an incredible dork. In 2019, he co-founded ZooTT, contributing his wealth of animal knowledge and zooey wisdom and providing a guiding vision that endures to this day.

====== Lovecat ======
Lovecat is friendly, feisty feline of the vegan persuasion who loves nonhuman people, making art in a myriad of mediums, and you, you sexy beast you! Authenticity, Gratitude, and Generosity are their guiding principles, and realizing a sane, caring world for nonhumans and humans of all kinds is their ultimate goal.

====== Zooey ======
Zooey is the host of the cross-species relationship advice column Ask Zooey, bewitchingly beautiful, and brilliant to boot. She has a background in talk show work and podcasting, and is quite the full wellspring on relationships outside of the human genome. Zooey's favorite pastimes are reading, practicing voice work, and wandering the woods whenever she can.

====== Canis Gnosis ======
'''Species''': Canis Gnosis.

'''Diet''': Vegan; Trash; Vegan-Trash.

'''Habitat''': Forests; plains; anywhere with adequate furry porn. Found worldwide any place where humans and non-humans share habitat. Like the majestic hermit crab, C. Gnosis carries around a trash bin as a mobile den, and often has to contend with toxic elements within these spaces before they can be safely inhabited, leaving some to wonder why they don't just become a Brony and save their whole species some trouble.

====== Kynophile ======
Kynophile is a writer, singer, and dungeon master (no, not that kind) with a flair (not that kind either) for the dramatic. He mainly focuses on writing songs and skits, using experience from his background in community theater. With his fleeting free time, he enjoys running zoos through fantasy adventures, listening to Sondheim soundtracks, and hanging out with his loved ones, human, animal, and in between.

== Episode list ==
Episodes are released once every month, with the occasional bonus content, usually after every few episodes.

As mentioned in the beginning. The episodes consist of in-depth discussions, dating advice, and original songs and skits, all with a great deal of playful candor, Zooier Than Thou sets itself apart with an openly positive and joyful interpretation of what it is to be a Zoophile.

Over the years, ZooTT has grown to include a multitude of hosts and guests, collectively bringing decades of animal activism and cross-species romance to the mic, with the help of a dedicated cast and crew of Zooey talent. There may be others out there doing the same thing, but ZooTT aims to do it the best!

=== [https://zoo.wtf/season-1-episodes/ Season 1] ===
{| class="mw-collapsible mw-collapsed wikitable"
! Episode !! Name !! Release Date
|-
| S01E01 ||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s1e1-the-exposure-solution/ The Exposure Solution]'''|| '''March 20, 2019'''
|-
| S01E01.5 ||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s1e1-5-a-pair-of-april-fools/ A Pair of April Fools]'''|| '''April 1, 2019'''
|-
| <s>S01E02</s>||[[S01E02 Weighty Matters|'''Weighty Matters''']]|| '''(April 19, 2019)'''
|-
| <s>S01E02.5</s>||[[S01E02.5 Zoosadism Update|'''Zoosadism Update''']]|| '''(May 6, 2019)'''
|-
| S01E03||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s1e3-our-best-selves/ Our Best Selves]'''|| '''(May 21, 2019)'''
|-
| S01E03.5||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s1e3-5-grazing-the-zoott-mailbag/ Grazing the ZooTT Mailbag]'''|| '''(June 3, 2019)'''
|-
| S01E04||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s1e4-faustys-cardboard-stand-in/ Fausty's Cardboard Stand-in]'''|| '''(June 17, 2019)'''
|-
| S01E04.5||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s1e4-5-zoo-pride-day/ Zoo Pride Day!]'''|| '''(July 4, 2019)'''
|-
| S01E05||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s1e5-it-gets-zooier/ It Gets Zooier]'''|| '''(July 17, 2019)'''
|-
| S01E05.5||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s1e5-5-the-safety-dance/ The Safety Dance!]'''|| '''(August 2, 2019)'''
|-
| S01E06||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s1e6-the-world-needs-zooish-wisdom/ The World Needs Zooish Wisdom!]'''|| '''(August 19, 2019)'''
|-
| S01E06.5||''' [https://zoo.wtf/s1e6-5-media-mastery/ Media Mastery]'''|| '''(August 29, 2019)'''
|-
| S01E07||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s1e7-women-in-the-zoo-community/ Women in the Zoo Community]'''|| '''(September 19, 2019)'''
|-
| S01E07.5||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s1e7-5-lucid-moments/ Lucid Moments]'''|| '''(September 30, 2019)'''
|-
| S01E08||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s1e8-healthy-happy-and-zooey/ Healthy, Happy, and Zooey]'''|| '''(October 17, 2019)'''
|-
| S01E08.5||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s1e8-5-howloween/ Howloween!]'''|| '''(October 31, 2019)'''
|-
| S01E08.5 Bonus||'''The [[Legend]] of [[Thomas Granger]] - A Ghost Story''' || '''(October 31, 2019)'''
|-
| S01E09||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s1e9-legal-beagles-part-1/ Legal Beagles (Part 1)]'''|| '''(November 24, 2019)'''
|-
| S01E09.5||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s1e9-5-thankful-for-non-zoo-allies/ Thankful for Non-Zoo Allies]'''|| '''(December 3, 2019)'''
|-
| S01E10||[https://zoo.wtf/s1e10-tis-the-season-for-coming-out/ ''''Tis the Season for Coming Out''']|| '''(December 26, 2019)'''
|-
| S01E10.5||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s1e10-5-happy-zoo-year/ Happy Zoo Year!]'''|| '''(January 3, 2020)'''
|-
| S01E11||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s1e11-tales-of-zoo-history/ Tales of Zoo History]'''|| '''(January 30, 2020)'''
|-
| S01E11.5||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s1e11-5-a-zoos-legacy/ A Zoo's Legacy]'''|| '''(February 4, 2020)'''
|-
| S01E12||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s1e12-zeta-verein/ ZETA Verein]'''|| '''(February 25, 2020)'''
|-
| S01E12.5||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s1e12-5-twelve-months-of-zoott/ Twelve Months of ZooTT]'''|| '''(March 3, 2020)'''
|}

=== [https://zoo.wtf/season-2-episodes/ Season 2] ===

{| class="mw-collapsible mw-collapsed wikitable"
! Episode !! Name !! Release Date
|-
| S02E01||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s2e1-the-path-forward/ The Path Forward]'''|| '''(March 15, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E01 Bonus||'''ZETA Verein - The Politics of Veganism'''|| '''(March 23, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E01 Bonus||'''Around the World - Sweden - Svad'''|| '''(April 1st, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E02||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s2e2-the-furry-fandom/ The Furry Fandom]'''|| '''(April 15, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E02 Bonus ||'''Zoom, Zencastr, and Animal Crossing'''|| '''(May 3, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E03||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s2e3-mixed-relationships-zoos-and-non-zoos/ Mixed Relationships: Zoos and Non-Zoos]'''|| '''(May 15, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E03 Bonus||'''Felching, Swat Teams, and Depositions (Bonus Content)'''|| '''(June 4, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E04||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s2e4-a-culture-of-caring/ A Culture of Caring]'''|| '''(June 17, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E05||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s2e5-zoo-pride-2020/ Zoo Pride 2020!]'''|| '''(July 15, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E06||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s2e6-healthy-happy-and-zooey-2020/ Healthy, Happy, and Zooey 2020]'''|| '''(August 18, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E06 Bonus||'''Mindfulness Meditation with Canis Gnosis'''|| '''(August 18, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E06 Bonus||'''Cry Harder'''|| '''(August 27, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E06 Bonus||'''[[Wikipedia:Pyometra|Pyometra]] PSA'''|| '''(August 27, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E07||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s2e7-trans-people-in-the-zoo-community/ Trans People in the Zoo Community]'''|| '''(September 15, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E07 Bonus||'''Double Dog Dare'''|| '''(September 15, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E08 Bonus||'''Discussion with a Non-Zoo'''|| '''(October 1, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E07 Bonus||'''The Furry Who Would Be Zoo: Where Blanchard, Bailey, and the [[Zoo community|Zoo Community]] Intersect'''|| '''(October 15, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E08||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s2e8-howloween-2020/ Howloween 2020!]'''|| '''(October 31, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E08 Bonus||'''14 Werewolves'''|| '''(November 8, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E08 Bonus||'''ZooTube'''|| '''(November 17, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E09||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s2e9-the-traveling-zoo/ The Traveling Zoo]'''|| '''(November 29, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E09 Bonus||'''Crabs in a Bucket (Part 1)'''|| '''(November 29, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E10||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s2e10-it-starts-with-respect/ It Starts with Respect]'''|| '''(December 28, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E10 Bonus||'''Amen'''|| '''(December 29, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E10 Bonus||'''2020 Reflections, 2021 Resolutions'''|| '''(January 8, 2021)'''
|-
| S02E10 Bonus||'''The Origin of Zooier Than Thou'''|| '''(January 23, 2021)'''
|-
| S02E11||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s2e11-therianthropy/ Therianthropy]'''|| '''(January 28, 2021)'''
|-
| S02E11 Bonus||'''Crabs in a Bucket (Part 2)'''|| '''(January 30, 2021)'''
|-
| S02E12||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s2e12-how-to-make-a-podcast/ How to Make a Podcast]'''|| '''(February 27, 2021)'''
|}

=== [https://zoo.wtf/episode-list/season-03 Season 3] ===

{| class="mw-collapsible mw-collapsed wikitable"
! Episode !! Name !! Release Date
|-
| S03E01||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s3e1-zoophilia-and-religion/ Zoophilia and Religion]'''|| '''(March 28, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E01 Bonus||'''You're the Stud'''|| '''(April 15, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E01 Bonus||'''Pan Hu the Doggie King'''|| '''(April 15, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E02||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s3e2-defining-our-culture-and-our-spaces/ Defining Our Culture and Our Spaces]'''|| '''(April 25, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E02 Bonus||'''Understanding Zoosadism and Defining Gray Areas'''|| '''(May 14, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E03||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s3e3-get-help/ Get Help! Feat. Hani Miletski]'''|| '''(May 26, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E03 Bonus||'''Half of What You Are'''|| '''(June 23, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E04||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s3e4-before-stonewall-the-high-cost-of-silence/ Before Stonewall – The High Cost of Silence]'''|| '''(June 24, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E04 Bonus||'''King of the Pride'''|| '''(July 14, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E05||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s3e5-following-in-queer-footsteps/ Following in Queer Footsteps]'''|| '''(July 24, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E05 Bonus||'''Loud and Proud'''|| '''(July 24, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E06||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s3e6-coming-out-2021/ Coming Out 2021]'''|| '''(August 22, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E07||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s3e7-what-matters-most/ What Matters Most]'''|| '''(September 20, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E07 Bonus||'''No Comply + Tailslide'''|| '''(September 20, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E08||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s3e8-howloween-2021/ Howloween 2021!]'''|| '''(October 20, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E08 Bonus||'''In the Meadows'''|| '''(October 20, 2021)'''
|-
| SS03E09||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s3e9-so-whats-the-deal-with-veganism/ So What's the Deal with veganism?]'''|| '''(November 19, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E10||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s3e10-life-isnt-over/ Life Isn't Over]'''|| '''(December 17, 2021)'''
|-
|S03E11
|'''[https://zoo.wtf/s3e11-the-safety-dance-2022/ The Safety Dance 2022]'''
|'''(January 17, 2022)'''
|-
|S03E011 Bonus
|'''The Beast Awakens'''
|'''(January 17, 2022)'''
|-
|S03E013
|'''[https://zoo.wtf/s3e12-three-years-of-zoott/ Three years of ZooTT]'''
|'''(February 16, 2022)'''
|-
|S03E08 Bonus
|'''Howling at the moon'''
|'''(February 16, 2022)'''
|}

=== [https://zoo.wtf/episode-list/season-04 Season 4] ===

{| class="mw-collapsible mw-collapsed wikitable"
! Episode !! Name !! Release Date
|-
| S04E01||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s4e1-whats-zooing-on/ What's Zooing On?]'''|| '''(March 17, 2022)'''
|-
| S04E01 Bonus||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s4e1-whats-zooing-on/ Secret Zoo - Bagi (Director's Cut]'''|| '''(March 18, 2022)'''
|-
| S04E02||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s4e2-going-mad/ Going MAD]'''|| '''(April 16, 2022)'''
|-
| S04E03||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s4e3-zoottin-the-bull/ ZooTTin' the Bull]'''|| '''(May 15, 2022)'''
|-
| S04E04||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s4e4-the-zeta-principles/ The ZETA Principles]'''|| '''(June 14, 2022)'''
|-
| S04E05||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s4e5-pride-praxis/ Pride Praxis]'''|| '''(July 13, 2022)'''
|-
| S04E06||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s4e6-dog-days/ Dog Days]'''|| '''(August 10, 2022)'''
|-
| S04E07||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s4e7-dear-non-zoos/ Dear Non-Zoos, or How to talk to Zoos]'''|| '''(September 10, 2022)'''
|-
| S04E10||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s4e8-howloween-2022/ Howloween 2022!]'''|| '''(October 9, 2022)'''
|-
| S04E11||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s4e9-native-americans-in-the-zoo-community/ Natives Americans in the Zoo community]'''|| '''(November 8, 2022)'''
|-
| S04E12||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s4e10-a-new-home-for-the-holidays/ A New Home for the Holidays]'''|| '''(December 7, 2022)'''
|-
| S04E13||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s4e11-i-fought-the-law/ I Fought the Law]'''|| '''(January 6, 2023)'''
|-
|S04E14
|'''[https://zoo.wtf/s4e12-over-the-hill/ Over the Hill]'''
|'''(February 5, 2023)'''
|}

=== [https://zoo.wtf/episode-list/season-05 Season 5] ===
{| class="mw-collapsible mw-collapsed wikitable"
! Episode !! Name !! Release Date
|-
| S05E1||'''[https://zoo.wtf/she1-calzoo-interview/ Calzoo Interview]'''|| '''(March 6, 2023)'''
|-
| S05E2||'''[https://zoo.wtf/she3-oops-all-emails/ Zoo's Line]'''|| '''(April 6, 2023)'''
|-
| S05E3||'''[https://zoo.wtf/she6-oops-more-emails/ Opps! More Emails!]'''|| '''(May 5, 2023)'''
|-
| S05E4||'''[https://zoo.wtf/she4-a-zooey-crossover-episode/ A Zooey Crossover Episode!]'''|| '''(June 3, 2023)'''
|-
| S05E5||'''[https://zoo.wtf/she5-zoo-pride-2023/ Zoo Pride 2023!]'''|| '''(July 3, 2023)'''
|-
| S05E6||'''[https://zoo.wtf/she6-oops-more-emails/ Opps! More Emails]'''|| '''(August 1, 2023)'''
|-
| S05E7||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s5e7-dear-non-zoos-pirate-radio/ Dear Non-Zoos - Pirate Radio]'''|| '''(September 28, 2023)'''
|-
| S05E8|| [https://zoo.wtf/s5e8-howloween-2023/ '''Howloween 2023''']||'''(October 28, 2023)'''
|-
| S05E9|| '''[https://zoo.wtf/s5e9-trans-people-in-the-zoo-community-2023/ Trans People in the Zoo Community 2023]'''||'''(November 28, 2023)'''
|-
|S05E10
|'''[https://zoo.wtf/s5e10-nightmare-scenerio-facing-homelessness/ Nightmare Scenario - Facing Homelessness]'''
|'''(December 29, 2023)'''
|-
|S05E11
|'''[https://zoo.wtf/s5e11-enshittification/ Enshittification]'''
|'''(January 25, 2024)'''
|-
|S05E12
|[https://zoo.wtf/s5e12-the-meat-panopticon/ '''The Meat Panopticon - Living Under the Thumb of Carnism''']
|'''(February 24, 2024)'''
|}

=== [https://zoo.wtf/episode-list/season-06 Season 6] ===
{| class="mw-collapsible mw-collapsed wikitable"
! Episode !! Name !! Release Date
|-
| S06E1||[https://zoo.wtf/s6e2-zoottin-the-breeze/ '''ZooTTin' the Breeze''']|| '''(April 23, 2024)'''
|-
| S06E2||[https://zoo.wtf/s6e1-tackling-taboos-a-guide-to-zoo-research/ '''Tackling Taboos - A Guide to Zoo Research''']|| '''(March 25 2024)'''
|-
|S06E3
|[https://zoo.wtf/s6e3-raising-the-discourse/ '''Raising the Discourse''']
|'''(May 23, 2024)'''
|-
|S06E4
|[https://zoo.wtf/s6e4-media-mastery-2024/ '''Media Mastery 2024''']
|'''(June 22, 2024)'''
|-
|S06E5
|'''[https://zoo.wtf/s6e5-zoo-pride-2024/ Zoo Pride 2024]'''
|'''(July 22, 2024)'''
|-
|S06E6
|'''[https://zoo.wtf/s6e6-dear-non-zoos-after-dark-radio/ Dear Non-Zoos - After Dark Radio]'''
|'''(August 19, 2024)'''
|-
|S06E7
|[https://zoo.wtf/s6e7-take-a-vacation/ '''Take a Vaction''']
|'''(September 17, 2024)'''
|-
|S06E8
|[https://zoo.wtf/s6e8-howloween-2024/ '''Howloween 2024!''']
|'''(October 30, 2024)'''
|-
|S06E9
|[https://zoo.wtf/s6e9-animal-jobs/ '''Animal Jobs''']
|'''(November 15, 2024)'''
|-
|S06E10
|'''[https://zoo.wtf/s6e10-we-wish-you-a-zooey-christmas/ We Wish You a Zooey Christmas!]'''
|'''(December 15, 2024)'''
|-
|S06E11
|'''[https://zoo.wtf/s6e11-suicide-awareness-and-prevention/ Suicide Awareness and Prevention]'''
|'''(January 13, 2025)'''
|-
|S06E12
|'''[https://zoo.wtf/s6e12-the-game-show-finale/ The Game Show Finale!]'''
|'''(February 12, 2025)'''
|}

=== [https://zoo.wtf/episode-list/season-07 Season 7] ===
{| class="mw-collapsible mw-collapsed wikitable"
! Episode !! Name !! Release Date
|-
| S07E1||[https://zoo.wtf/s7e1-zoo-101/ '''Zoo 101''']|| '''(March 18, 2025)'''
|-
| S07E2||[https://zoo.wtf/s7e2-kosa/ '''KOSA''']|| '''(April 13, 2025)'''
|-
|S07E3
|[https://zoo.wtf/s7e3-canine-agency-and-consent/ '''Canine Agency and Consent''']
|'''(May 12, 2025)'''
|-
|S07E4
|[https://zoo.wtf/s7e4-the-asymmetry-of-bullshit/ '''The Asymmetry of Bullshit''']
|'''(June 13, 2025)'''
|-
|S07E5
|[https://zoo.wtf/s7e5-zoo-pride-2025/ '''Zoo Pride 2025!''']
|'''(July 10, 2025)'''
|-
|S07E6
|[https://zoo.wtf/s7e6-oops-all-emails-2025/ '''Opps! All Emails! 2025''']
|'''(August 9, 2025)'''
|}

=== [https://zoo.wtf/bonus-episodes/ Bonus Episodes] ===
{| class="mw-collapsible mw-collapsed wikitable"
! Episode !! Name !! Release Date
|-
| S01E08.5 Bonus||'''The Legend of Thomas Granger - A Ghost Story''' || '''(October 31, 2019)'''
|-
| S02E01 Bonus||'''ZETA Verein - The Politics of Veganism''' || '''(March 23, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E01 Bonus||'''Around the World - Sweden - Svad''' || '''(April 1st, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E02 Bonus ||'''Zoom, Zencastr, and Animal Crossing''' || '''(May 3, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E03 Bonus||'''Felching, Swat Teams, and Depositions (Bonus Content)''' || '''(June 4, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E06 Bonus||'''Mindfulness Meditation with Canis Gnosis''' || '''(August 18, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E06 Bonus||'''Cry Harder''' || '''(August 27, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E06 Bonus||'''[[Wikipedia:Pyometra|Pyometra]] PSA''' || '''(August 27, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E08 Bonus||'''Discussion with a Non-Zoo'''|| '''(October 1, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E07 Bonus||'''The Furry Who Would Be Zoo: Where Blanchard, Bailey, and the [[Zoo community|Zoo Community]] Intersect'''|| '''(October 15, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E08 Bonus||'''14 Werewolves'''|| '''(November 8, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E08 Bonus||'''ZooTube'''|| '''(November 17, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E09 Bonus||'''Crabs in a Bucket (Part 1)'''|| '''(November 29, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E10 Bonus||'''Amen'''|| '''(December 29, 2020)'''
|-
| S02E10 Bonus||'''2020 Reflections, 2021 Resolutions'''|| '''(January 8, 2021)'''
|-
| S02E10 Bonus||'''The Origin of Zooier Than Thou'''|| '''(January 23, 2021)'''
|-
| S02E11 Bonus||'''Crabs in a Bucket (Part 2)'''|| '''(January 30, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E01 Bonus||'''You're the Stud'''|| '''(April 15, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E01 Bonus||'''Pan Hu the Doggie King'''|| '''(April 15, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E02 Bonus||'''Understanding Zoosadism and Defining Gray Areas'''|| '''(May 14, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E03 Bonus||'''Half of What You Are'''|| '''(June 23, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E04 Bonus||'''King of the Pride'''|| '''(July 14, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E05 Bonus||'''Loud and Proud'''|| '''(July 23, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E07 Bonus||'''No Comply + Tailslide'''|| '''(September 20, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E08 Bonus||'''In the Meadows'''|| '''(October 20, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E09 Bonus||'''Around the World - Peru - Tree'''|| '''(November 19, 2021)'''
|-
| S03E10 Bonus||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s3e10-bonus-be-prepared-to-lay/ Be Prepared to Lay]'''|| '''(December 18, 2021)'''
|-
| S04E01 Bonus||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s3e11-bonus-the-beast-awakens/ The Beast Awakens]'''|| '''(January 17, 2022)'''
|-
|S04E08 Bonus
|'''[https://zoo.wtf/s3e12-bonus-howling-at-the-moon-finale-version/ Howling at the moon (Finale Version)]'''
|'''(February 15, 2022)'''
|-
| S04E02 Bonus||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s4e1-bonus-secret-zoo-bagi-directors-cut/ Secret Zoo - Bagi (Director's Cut)]'''|| '''(March 17, 2022)'''
|-
| S04E03 Bonus||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s4e3-bonus-stableboy/ Stableboy]'''|| '''(May 15, 2022))'''
|-
| S04E04 Bonus||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s4e4-bonus-stableboy-alt/ Stableboy (Alternative Version)]'''|| '''(June 14, 2022)'''
|-
| S04E05 Bonus||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s4e7-bonus-king-of-the-pride-2022/ King of the Pride (2022)]'''|| '''(September 10, 2022)'''
|-
| S04E06 Bonus||'''[https://zoo.wtf/s4e8-bonus-14-werewolves-2022/ 14 Werewolves (2022)]'''|| '''(October 9, 2022)'''
|-
|S05E07 Bonus
|'''[https://zoo.wtf/s5e7-bonus-worlds-apart/ Worlds Apart]'''
|'''(September 28, 2023)'''
|-
|S05E11 Bonus
|'''[https://zoo.wtf/s5e11-bonus-furry-enshittification/ Furry Enshittification]'''
|'''January 25, 2024)'''
|-
|S6E1 Bonus
|[https://zoo.wtf/s6e1-bonus-interview-with-dr-stetina/ '''Interview with Dr. Stetina''']
|'''(March 30, 2024)'''
|-
|S6E2 Bonus
|[https://zoo.wtf/s6e1-bonus-interview-with-dr-zidenberg/ '''Interview with Dr. Zidenberg''']
|'''(April 1, 2024)'''
|-
|S6E6 Bonus
|[https://zoo.wtf/s6e6-bonus-i-wanna-fuck-the-bear/ '''I Wanna Fuck the Bear (from Baldur's Gate)''']
|'''(August 19, 2024)'''
|}
<references />{{Home}}
[[index.php?title=Category:Podcasts]]

Template:Allah mcnutt

2026-04-01T20:48:41Z

Tuvik: Replaced content with "<div style="align-content: space-around; align-items: center; background-color: #f0f8ff; border: 5px double #cdc1c5; box-shadow: 12px 12px 12px -2px #0000004d; display: flex; flex-direction: row; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Georgia, 'Linux Libertine', 'Liberation Serif', 'Noto Serif', 'Nimbus Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 2em; gap: 0.5em; justify-content: space-evenly; line-height: 1.1; margin: 0.75em 1em 1.25em; overflow: auto; padding: 0.5em 0; -moz-box-shad..."

ALLAH

2026-04-01T20:47:34Z

Tuvik: Tuvik moved page ALLAH to Zetapin over redirect: Revert

#REDIRECT [[Zetapin]]

Zoophilia Wiki talk:Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attem

2026-04-01T20:47:34Z

Tuvik: Tuvik moved page ALLAH to Zetapin over redirect: Revert

Zoophilia Wiki talk:Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attem

2026-04-01T20:47:19Z

Tuvik: Undo revision 136074 by Swedishwin.com (talk)

Template:Allah mcnutt

2026-04-01T20:46:17Z

Tuvik: Undo revision 136073 by Swedishwin.com (talk)

Zooier Than Thou

2026-04-01T20:45:37Z

Tuvik: Tuvik changed the content model of the page Zooier Than Thou from "JavaScript" to "wikitext"

I EAT NIGGERS FOR BREAKFEST

File:Zoophilia wiki logo.jpg

2026-04-01T18:20:20Z

Tuvik: Tuvik reverted File:Zoophilia wiki logo.jpg to an old version

== Summary ==
Offical Zoophilia.wiki Logo

Zooier Than Thou

2026-04-01T18:19:35Z

Tuvik: Undo revision 136045 by Swedishwin.com (talk)

Template:ALLAH MCSKIBIDI

2026-04-01T18:18:05Z

Tuvik: Tuvik moved page Template:ALLAH MCSKIBIDI to Zetapin over redirect: Revert

#REDIRECT [[Zetapin]]

Zoophilia Wiki talk:Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attem

2026-04-01T18:18:04Z

Tuvik: Tuvik moved page Template:ALLAH MCSKIBIDI to Zetapin over redirect: Revert

File:9112001.jpg

2026-04-01T18:17:35Z

Tuvik: Tuvik moved page File:9112001.jpg to File:Zoophilia wiki logo.jpg over redirect: Revert

#REDIRECT [[File:Zoophilia wiki logo.jpg]]

File:Zoophilia wiki logo.jpg

2026-04-01T18:17:35Z

Tuvik: Tuvik moved page File:9112001.jpg to File:Zoophilia wiki logo.jpg over redirect: Revert

== Summary ==
Offical Zoophilia.wiki Logo

User:NOBALDIGAMES

2026-04-01T18:16:58Z

Tuvik: Tuvik moved page User:NOBALDIGAMES to Template:ZETA banner over redirect

#REDIRECT [[Template:ZETA banner]]

Template:Allah mcnutt

2026-04-01T18:16:57Z

Tuvik: Tuvik moved page User:NOBALDIGAMES to Template:ZETA banner over redirect

Template:Allah mcnutt

2026-04-01T18:15:59Z

Tuvik:

Help:ALLAH EDFCHDIEDFVNHRIE9FINHEISDBGVFSEI

2026-04-01T18:13:46Z

Tuvik: Blanking page

Zooerasty

2026-04-01T18:13:33Z

Tuvik: Undo revision 136044 by Swedishwin.com (talk)

{{stub}}

'''Zooerasty''' is a term was introduced by [[Krafft-Ebing]] to further differentiate between those who are [[Sexual orientation|sexually attracted]] to animals, and those who are [[love|romantically attracted]]. Many [[zoophiles]] not only have a close [[love]] relationship with their animals but also have sexual intercourse with them.

==External links==
* https://web.archive.org/web/20070111014619/http://zoowiki.zetapin.de/index.php?title=Zooerastie
{{Terms}}
[[Category:Terms]]

Help:ALLAH EDFCHDIEDFVNHRIE9FINHEISDBGVFSEI

2026-04-01T18:10:29Z

Tuvik: Undo revision 136040 by Swedishwin.com (talk)

File:Zoophilia wiki logo.jpg

2026-04-01T15:50:37Z

Tuvik: Tuvik reverted File:Zoophilia wiki logo.jpg to an old version

== Summary ==
Offical Zoophilia.wiki Logo

Zoophilia Wiki talk:Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attem

2026-04-01T15:36:11Z

Tuvik: Undo revision 136028 by Swedishwin.com (talk)

File:Zoophilia wiki logo.jpg

2026-04-01T15:35:28Z

Tuvik: Tuvik reverted File:Zoophilia wiki logo.jpg to an old version

== Summary ==
Offical Zoophilia.wiki Logo

Zooey Dot Pub

2026-02-19T22:26:56Z

Tuvik: Again, add category "Websites"

{{stub}}
[[File:Zooey dot pub website.png|thumb|Zooey Dot Pub Website]]
[https://zooey.pub Zooey Dot Pub] (often abridged ZDP) is a PG-13 website that collects and publishes writing about [[zoosexuality]]. Articles published there cover a range of topics that are related to the modern zoosexual experience, such as tips for animal care, analysis on ways that media depicts zoosexuality, responses to some of the common arguments against the topic, and personal stories about living life with a romantic partner who is an animal. Simply put, Zooey Dot Pub is the first zoosexual lifestyle magazine featuring articles written by zoos, for zoos, about a range of interesting topics.

The team at Zooey Dot Pub is headed by project lead [[Tarro]] (they/them) and editor-in-chief Alissa Dogchurch (she/her), with much help from others who contribute in a large variety of ways, from writers and editors to web developers and graphic designers, as well as people who help to keep the [https://join.zooey.pub/ magazine's Matrix server] fun and safe.

== Chat platform ==
Sometime in 2022, the magazine opened a PG-13 Discord server for the readers to gather and discuss of various topics: a general chat, a picture gallery, some positive and vents channels, gaming, and so on.

In June 2025, Discord took down the server after it reached past 2000 users with several hundred messages being shared per day. An [https://zooey.pub/so-discord-dropped-us/ article] has been written on that fact, with a bit of irony on the message that got the server to be removed.

At the end of August 2025, a new chat platform had been [https://zooey.pub/a-new-era-of-chatting/ announced]: Matrix. The newly created Matrix server is being hosted on [[Zoospace]]. A simple [https://join.zooey.pub/ join page] has been created to simplify the joining process

As of February 2026, the Matrix server counts 500 members.

== External Links ==

* [https://zooeydotpub.zdu.se/ Zooey Dot Pub Website]
[[Category:Websites]]

Zooey Dot Pub

2026-02-19T22:20:27Z

Tuvik: Fixing typo "has been announced" -> "had been announced"

Zooey Dot Pub

2026-02-19T18:56:30Z

Tuvik: Re-add "Websites" category (it keeps removing itself)

{{stub}}
[[File:Zooey dot pub website.png|thumb|Zooey Dot Pub Website]]
[https://zooey.pub Zooey Dot Pub] (often abridged ZDP) is a PG-13 website that collects and publishes writing about [[zoosexuality]]. Articles published there cover a range of topics that are related to the modern zoosexual experience, such as tips for animal care, analysis on ways that media depicts zoosexuality, responses to some of the common arguments against the topic, and personal stories about living life with a romantic partner who is an animal. Simply put, Zooey Dot Pub is the first zoosexual lifestyle magazine featuring articles written by zoos, for zoos, about a range of interesting topics.

The team at Zooey Dot Pub is headed by project lead [[Tarro]] (they/them) and editor-in-chief Alissa Dogchurch (she/her), with much help from others who contribute in a large variety of ways, from writers and editors to web developers and graphic designers, as well as people who help to keep the [https://join.zooey.pub/ magazine's Matrix server] fun and safe.

== Chat platform ==
Sometime in 2022, the magazine opened a PG-13 Discord server for the readers to gather and discuss of various topics: a general chat, a picture gallery, some positive and vents channels, gaming, and so on.

In June 2025, Discord took down the server after it reached past 2000 users with several hundred messages being shared per day. An [https://zooey.pub/so-discord-dropped-us/ article] has been written on that fact, with a bit of irony on the message that got the server to be removed.

At the end of August 2025, a new chat platform has been [https://zooey.pub/a-new-era-of-chatting/ announced]: Matrix. The newly created Matrix server is being hosted on [[Zoospace]]. A simple [https://join.zooey.pub/ join page] has been created to simplify the joining process

As of February 2026, the Matrix server counts 500 members.

== External Links ==

* [https://zooeydotpub.zdu.se/ Zooey Dot Pub Website]
[[Category:Websites]]

Zooey Dot Pub

2026-02-19T18:55:45Z

Tuvik: Add the "Chat platform" section

{{stub}}
[[File:Zooey dot pub website.png|thumb|Zooey Dot Pub Website]]
[https://zooey.pub Zooey Dot Pub] (often abridged ZDP) is a PG-13 website that collects and publishes writing about [[zoosexuality]]. Articles published there cover a range of topics that are related to the modern zoosexual experience, such as tips for animal care, analysis on ways that media depicts zoosexuality, responses to some of the common arguments against the topic, and personal stories about living life with a romantic partner who is an animal. Simply put, Zooey Dot Pub is the first zoosexual lifestyle magazine featuring articles written by zoos, for zoos, about a range of interesting topics.

The team at Zooey Dot Pub is headed by project lead [[Tarro]] (they/them) and editor-in-chief Alissa Dogchurch (she/her), with much help from others who contribute in a large variety of ways, from writers and editors to web developers and graphic designers, as well as people who help to keep the [https://join.zooey.pub/ magazine's Matrix server] fun and safe.

== Chat platform ==
Sometime in 2022, the magazine opened a PG-13 Discord server for the readers to gather and discuss of various topics: a general chat, a picture gallery, some positive and vents channels, gaming, and so on.

In June 2025, Discord took down the server after it reached past 2000 users with several hundred messages being shared per day. An [https://zooey.pub/so-discord-dropped-us/ article] has been written on that fact, with a bit of irony on the message that got the server to be removed.

At the end of August 2025, a new chat platform has been [https://zooey.pub/a-new-era-of-chatting/ announced]: Matrix. The newly created Matrix server is being hosted on [[Zoospace]]. A simple [https://join.zooey.pub/ join page] has been created to simplify the joining process

As of February 2026, the Matrix server counts 500 members.

== External Links ==

* [https://zooeydotpub.zdu.se/ Zooey Dot Pub Website]
[[index.php?title=Category:Websites]]

Zooey Dot Pub

2026-02-19T18:13:55Z

Tuvik: Add "Websites" category

{{stub}}
[[File:Zooey dot pub website.png|thumb|Zooey Dot Pub Website]]
[https://zooey.pub Zooey Dot Pub] is a PG-13 website that collects and publishes writing about [[zoosexuality]]. Articles published there cover a range of topics that are related to the modern zoosexual experience, such as tips for animal care, analysis on ways that media depicts zoosexuality, responses to some of the common arguments against the topic, and personal stories about living life with a romantic partner who is an animal. Simply put, Zooey Dot Pub is the first zoosexual lifestyle magazine featuring articles written by zoos, for zoos, about a range of interesting topics.

The team at Zooey Dot Pub is headed by project lead [[Tarro]] (they/them) and editor-in-chief Alissa Dogchurch (she/her), with much help from others who contribute in a large variety of ways, from writers and editors to web developers and graphic designers, as well as people who help to keep the [https://join.zooey.pub/ magazine's Matrix server] fun and safe.

== External Links ==

* [https://zooeydotpub.zdu.se/ Zooey Dot Pub Website]
[[Category:Websites]]

Zooey.pub

2026-02-19T18:12:21Z

Tuvik: Mergin this page and https://zoophilia.wiki/index.php?title=Zooey_Dot_Pub

#REDIRECT [[Zooey Dot Pub]]
{{stub}}

[https://zooey.pub Zooey Dot Pub] is a PG-13 website that collects and publishes writing about [[zoosexuality]]. Articles published there cover a range of topics that are related to the modern zoosexual experience, such as tips for animal care, analysis on ways that media depicts zoosexuality, responses to some of the common arguments against the topic, and personal stories about living life with a romantic partner who is an animal. Simply put, Zooey Dot Pub is the first zoosexual lifestyle magazine featuring articles written by zoos, for zoos, about a range of interesting topics.

The team at Zooey Dot Pub is headed by project lead [[Tarro]] (they/them) and editor-in-chief Alissa Dogchurch (she/her), with much help from others who contribute in a large variety of ways, from writers and editors to web developers and graphic designers, as well as people who help to keep the [https://join.zooey.pub/ magazine's Matrix server] fun and safe.

==External Links==
* [https://zooey.pub Official Site]

[[index.php?title=Category:Websites]]

Zooey Dot Pub

2026-02-19T18:11:52Z

Tuvik: Merging this page and https://zoophilia.wiki/index.php?title=Zooey.pub

Zeta Flag

2026-02-19T13:27:33Z

Tuvik: Changed the Zeta flag image with the non-cropped version, originally coming from a png file which I recreated in SVG format.

[[File:Zeta Flag .jpg|thumb|right|The Zeta Flag]]
[[File:Zeta zoo 1.jpg|thumb|right|The first version of the ZETA flag, without the star, was created during a project run on Twitter by ZETA activist KZ, in spring of 2020.]]
The star on a Zoo Pride flag is generally interpreted to symbolize the uniqueness and individuality of each person within the zoophile community. It represents the diversity of identities and experiences among those who identify as zoophiles. The star can also be seen as a symbol of hope and aspiration within their community.
[[File:Zeta Flag.svg|center|thumb|Zeta Flag with the star]]
Likewise, the colors are subject to many varying interpretations, with the most straightforward being strictly elemental: land/earth, water, and sky. Another more nuanced approach prefers:
{| class="wikitable" style="border-collapse: collapse;"
! scope="col" style="min-width: 8rem;" | Color
! scope="col" | Interpretation
! scope="col" | Symbology
|-
! scope="row" style="background-color: #95aa8f; color: #fff;" | Green
| The natural environment and the animal kingdom.
| Connection to nature and appreciation for animals.
|-
! scope="row" style="background-color: #30421c; color: #fff;" | Brown
| Affinity for animals and their place within the ecosystem.
| The natural world and earthiness.
|-
! scope="row" style="background-color: #80d2fb; color: #000;" | Blue
| Affection and emotional connection.
| Love and care for animals, often expressed through emotional bonds.
|-
! scope="row" style="background-color: #fff; color: #000;" | White
| Sincerity and genuine nature of the feelings zoophiles may have towards animals.
| Purity and innocence.
|}

These colors convey themes of love, respect, and connection to animals, though it is fair to acknowledge that interpretations of these colors may vary slightly among individuals or specific groups within the community.

== Past Flags ==
=== Origins ===
[[File:Zoophilia by unknown.png|thumb|The first Zoo flag in 2016]]
This flag was made at some point before June 24, 2016, by a feline therian and a [[Furry Fandom & the Zoo Community|furry]] artist. Permission to share their username hasn't yet been obtained, but according to one of their posts, the colors of the flag represent zoophilia's presence in all genders:
* Blue for binary male and female genders
* White for genders outside of the binary spectrum
* Purple for non-binary genders on the male/female spectrum

It was uploaded to DeviantArt by a user ZooFlags, an aego-zoosexual and zooromantic trans demigirl therian. The date of upload is June 24, 2016.<ref name="paraflags">{{Cite web|author=Lector|date=2023-12-24|title=Popular zoophile flags|url=https://paraflags-wiki.org/index.php?title=Popular_zoophile_flags&oldid=4606|website=Paraphilia+Flags Wiki|url-status=live|archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20250825143914if_/https://paraflags-wiki.org/index.php?title=Popular_zoophile_flags|archive-date=2025-08-25|access-date=2025-08-17|df=mdy-all}}</ref> For a long time, ZooFlags was considered the original creator of this flag.<ref name="deviantart">{{Cite web|author=ZooFlags|date=2016-06-23|title=Zoosexual/Zooromantic/Zoophile Flag 2|url=https://www.deviantart.com/zooflags/art/Zoosexual-Zooromantic-Zoophile-Flag-2-617290018|website=DeviantArt|url-status=dead|archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20220402205547if_/https://www.deviantart.com/zooflags/art/Zoosexual-Zooromantic-Zoophile-Flag-2-617290018|archive-date=2022-04-02|access-date=2025-08-17|df=mdy-all}}</ref>

=== Influence ===
This flag became the most popular flag out of all those uploaded by ZooFlags and is regularly used by zoophiles in artwork and on social media profiles. The Twitter user ZooStruggles has erroneously claimed that this flag represents pro-contact zoophiles, but no such statement by the original artist has ever been produced in support of this.

The first version of the ZETA flag, without the star, was created during a project run on Twitter by KZ, a [[ZETA-Verein|ZETA]] activist, during the spring of 2020. In mid-April of that year, he posted several polls about the potential flag design<ref>{{Cite tweet|user=Koonzoo1|number=1251050182311129091|date=2020-04-17|title=What color would you put in the zoo pride flag, why?|url-access=registration|url-status=live|archive-url=https://archive.ph/wlvLL|archive-date=2023-12-20|access-date=2025-08-17|df=mdy-all}}</ref><ref>{{Cite tweet|user=Koonzoo1|number=1251052682984464384|date=2020-04-17|title=What design should the zoo flag be in?|url-access=registration|url-status=live|archive-url=https://archive.ph/69oeo|archive-date=2023-12-20|access-date=2025-08-17|df=mdy-all}}</ref> for his followers to vote on. On May 3, he announced the winning design.<ref>{{Cite tweet|user=Koonzoo1|number=1257045829547970560|date=2020-05-03|title=It seems like this design (with or without the symbols) is what has been most widely accepted as our zoo pride flag. Would you all like this as our pride flag?|url-access=registration|url-status=live|archive-url=https://archive.ph/N6RYv|archive-date=2023-12-20|access-date=2025-08-17|df=mdy-all}}</ref>. According to his explanation,<ref>{{Cite tweet|user=Koonzoo1|number=1485368294395850752|date=2022-01-23|title=The brown represents land animals. The green represents avians, reptiles & amphibians. The blue represents marine life. We zoos highly respect & love our non-human neighbors & partners, and this flag is a symbol for both us & them and the bond we share.|url-access=registration|url-status=live|archive-url=https://archive.ph/RVf0J|archive-date=2023-12-20|access-date=2025-08-17|df=mdy-all}}</ref> the brown color represents land animals, the green represents avians, reptiles & amphibians, and the blue represents marine life. The exact hues of the flag were chosen by another Twitter blogger, SteelDogTuscy. The four-pointed star was an initiative of yet another Twitter user, KometSF, who proposed it in reference to four-legged animals.<ref>{{Cite tweet|user=KometSF|number=1250693144523476994|date=2020-04-16|title=I feel like a zoo flag a zoo flag should refer to the 4 legs of our beloved one. This could be by using 4-spiked stars, 4 colours or by using 4 squares (with 2 different colors), symbolizing unity between a 4 legger and a 2 legger.|url-access=registration|url-status=live|archive-url=https://archive.ph/ObOPW|archive-date=2023-12-20|access-date=2025-08-17|df=mdy-all}}</ref> According to the designer, the elements shown in white indicate purity.<ref>{{Cite tweet|user=Koonzoo1|number=1676452375362514944|date=2023-07-04|title=The four points were said to represent the 4 legged creatures we all love. Yeah I know they don't all have 4 legs. The white represented their purity.|url-access=registration|url-status=live|archive-url=https://archive.ph/ngDhJ|archive-date=2023-12-20|access-date=2025-08-17|df=mdy-all}}</ref>

Due to the [[ZETA-Verein|ZETA movement]]'s active involvement in zoophile community building, these flags are often regarded as the official zoo flags<ref>{{Cite web|author=ZoophileFlags|date=2022-04-24|title=ZoophileFlags User Profile|url=https://www.deviantart.com/zoophileflags|website=DeviantArt|url-status=dead|archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20220424081833if_/https://www.deviantart.com/zoophileflags|archive-date=2022-04-24|access-date=2025-08-17|df=mdy-all}}</ref>, especially on Twitter.

== Alef flag ==
[[File:The alef flag.png|thumb|right]]
[[File:The Alef flag.png|thumb|right|The Alef flag]]
The Alef zoo flag—referring to [[wikipedia:Aleph|aleph]], the first letter in many [[wikipedia:Semitic languages|Semitic]] [[wikipedia:Abjad#Abjads and the structure of Semitic languages|abjads]], or alphabets—also called the "Leaf zoo flag," is the most recent design to see widespread adoption. It was created by Saturn during the [[Fediverse zoo flag project (2023)|Fediverse zoo flag project of 2023]] to give a symbol and a name to zoophiles who feel unfairly treated and excluded by the [[ZETA-Verein|ZETA]] community.<ref name="alef">{{Cite web|title=Alef zoophile identity|url=https://alefzoo.neocities.org/|website=alefzoo.neocities.org|url-status=dead|archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20240905181029if_/https://alefzoo.neocities.org/|archive-date=2024-09-05|access-date=2025-08-25|df=mdy-all}}</ref> The flag is explicitly inclusive of multiple types of zoophiliac orientations, including [[zoosadism]].<ref name="alef" />

The Alef flag was the target of much scrutiny by the [[ZETA-Verein|ZETA]] community, particularly for its stated purpose of highlighting the anti-[[wiktionary:minor-attracted person#English|{{Abbr|MAP|minor-attracted person}}]]—a modern euphemism for pedophile—and anti-[[Zoosadism|Zoosadist]] attitudes that are widely held by mainstream zoophiles, their allies and society at-large. This backlash was expressed mostly on Twitter, but appears to have been successful in preventing the design from gaining much traction, and still not many know of the flag. Some refer to it as a sadist flag, while others believe it has an Anti-Contact association.

The speculation can determine it should be a flag that welcomes all forms. Including those that are for necro, and sadists. Zoophiles who were jailed for their attractions. While a good idea they should have support. How many of them were true zoophiles and were not convicted due to sadism activities?

<gallery mode="packed" heights="360px">
Twitter screen relating to Alef Flag.png|link=File:Twitter_screen_relating_to_Alef_Flag.png
Twitter post about Alef.png|link=File:Twitter_post_about_Alef.png
</gallery>

== References ==
{{Reflist}}

{{Home}}

[[index.php?title=Category:Zoophilia in culture]]

File:Zeta Flag.svg

2026-02-19T13:23:25Z

Tuvik: Tuvik uploaded a new version of File:Zeta Flag.svg

A teal / brown / sage green diagonal flag with a four-pointed white star at its center

File:Zeta Flag.svg

2026-02-19T13:19:24Z

Tuvik:

A teal / brown / sage green diagonal flag with a four-pointed white star at its center