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| Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
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| sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
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| terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
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| prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
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| for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
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| Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
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| do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
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| Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
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| your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
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| back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
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| Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
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| pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
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| You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
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| Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
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| shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
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| got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
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| go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
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| boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
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| love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
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| can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
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| fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
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| Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
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| arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
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| say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
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| talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
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| with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
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| was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
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| Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
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| with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
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| wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
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| Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
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| mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
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| definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
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| Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
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| my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
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| here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
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| free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
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| would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
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| I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
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| -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
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| like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
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| that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
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| that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
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| amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
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| you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
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| in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
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| won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
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| I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
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| how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
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| together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
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| what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
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| the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
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| don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
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| night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
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| alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
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| James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
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| you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
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| you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to
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| put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I
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| have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get
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| out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not
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| there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced
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| to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
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| Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.
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| -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get
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| comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right
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| now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.
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| That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city
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| adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about
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| singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
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| Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not
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| a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now
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| tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has
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| reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's
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| hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.
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| -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.
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| -The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well
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| then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,
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| mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a
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| king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can
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| become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,
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| because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette
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| number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and
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| hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please
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| welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.
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| Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find
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| out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.
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| Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot
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| boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting
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| cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?
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| Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.
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| Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess
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| Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should
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| mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this
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| princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest
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| man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll
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| find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's
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| compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm
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| not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's
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| do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That
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| champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess
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| Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
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| runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm
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| willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not
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| very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named
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| champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All
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| right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank
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| you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better
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| idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor
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| of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp
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| back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All
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| right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly
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| the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.
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| What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess
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| just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with
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| full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,
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| donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?
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| You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know
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| what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut
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| open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For
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| your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,
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| Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on
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| the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
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| have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You
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| know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care
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| what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you
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| ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is
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| delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.
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| Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You
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| know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a
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| mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to
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| warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me
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| donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,
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| brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they
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| don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember
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| when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't
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| have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I
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| mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a
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| rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For
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| emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?
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| -Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.
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| Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,
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| please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time
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| for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!
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| Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
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| That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?
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| Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but
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| shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,
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| something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that
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| breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I
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| mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and
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| see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be
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| up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it
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| in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.
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| That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with
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| me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd
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| step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,
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| look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear
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| this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you
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| got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl
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| dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty
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| out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,
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| but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke
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| and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a
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| knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first
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| meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what
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| are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down
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| the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we
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| have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.
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| Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.
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| I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's
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| not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.
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| Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is
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| over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a
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| physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was
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| the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
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| doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should
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| get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't
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| do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It
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| talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the
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| dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little
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| unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where
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| would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble
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| steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,
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| no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you
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| wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a
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| perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a
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| dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You
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| think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.
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| What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,
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| now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm
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| not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.
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| Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not
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| supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,
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| who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should
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| ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and
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| his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm
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| sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
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| properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery
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| boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me
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| down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another
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| question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you
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| let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How
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| do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you
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| find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's
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| beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way,
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| princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think
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| little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure
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| up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do
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| that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to
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| make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods.
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| Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier
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| than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over
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| here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's
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| perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll
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| be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said
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| good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And
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| that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can
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| you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.
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| Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know
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| you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his
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| stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are
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| more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,
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| anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
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| We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm
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| gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just
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| now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No,
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| do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those
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| onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want
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| to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes
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| you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who?
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| Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your
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| problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the
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| problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and
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| go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why
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| I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre.
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| Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and
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| annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the
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| moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah.
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| You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How
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| do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of
| |
| to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
| |
| Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out
| |
| than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as
| |
| you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
| |
| before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour.
| |
| And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please,
| |
| monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of
| |
| course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was
| |
| annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come
| |
| from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives
| |
| alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh,
| |
| would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt.
| |
| -Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me
| |
| Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone
| |
| know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me
| |
| a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
| |
| flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey!
| |
| -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For
| |
| getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking.
| |
| -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite...
| |
| -Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red
| |
| thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
| |
| colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good.
| |
| Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be
| |
| alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess
| |
| here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's
| |
| Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I
| |
| think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey.
| |
| -What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well,
| |
| that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know
| |
| she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I
| |
| won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see?
| |
| -He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I
| |
| can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really
| |
| good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also
| |
| great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a
| |
| little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook
| |
| all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... ,
| |
| princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't
| |
| this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a
| |
| minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's,
| |
| I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the
| |
| dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I
| |
| really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look,
| |
| I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it.
| |
| Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
| |
| the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I
| |
| did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and
| |
| I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess.
| |
| Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little
| |
| games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the
| |
| princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess.
| |
| -Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
| |
| This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it
| |
| something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I
| |
| say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen
| |
| you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another.
| |
| This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's
| |
| beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
| |
| on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day
| |
| when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the
| |
| sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
| |
| that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
| |
| But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if
| |
| you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know,
| |
| you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it
| |
| going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
| |
| pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like
| |
| you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly?
| |
| Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live
| |
| happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's
| |
| the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't
| |
| breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to
| |
| keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need
| |
| whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye
| |
| twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I
| |
| want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you.
| |
| You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said?
| |
| -Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a
| |
| hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time.
| |
| Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As
| |
| promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take
| |
| it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For
| |
| I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no...
| |
| forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to
| |
| raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess
| |
| Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the
| |
| perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for
| |
| tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious
| |
| are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake,
| |
| the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing?
| |
| You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I
| |
| talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't
| |
| you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go
| |
| with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and
| |
| nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I
| |
| thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was
| |
| thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall
| |
| supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and
| |
| this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get
| |
| half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You
| |
| back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly
| |
| Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you!
| |
| -Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just
| |
| shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I
| |
| do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad,
| |
| how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah.
| |
| You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers,
| |
| onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just
| |
| like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I
| |
| was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She
| |
| was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking
| |
| about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok,
| |
| look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me?
| |
| -Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about
| |
| me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in
| |
| time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is
| |
| just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes
| |
| kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of
| |
| Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you
| |
| just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How
| |
| about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking
| |
| about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever
| |
| hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What
| |
| are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her!
| |
| -Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic
| |
| crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the
| |
| power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said
| |
| it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a
| |
| good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's
| |
| rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I
| |
| need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me.
| |
| -But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be
| |
| king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about
| |
| true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess.
| |
| Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for
| |
| our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before.
| |
| Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight.
| |
| -Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See?
| |
| -Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my
| |
| wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will
| |
| have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.
| |
| I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona?
| |
| -Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona?
| |
| Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are
| |
| beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
| |
| Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
| |
| sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
| |
| terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
| |
| prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
| |
| for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
| |
| Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
| |
| do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
| |
| Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
| |
| your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
| |
| back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
| |
| Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
| |
| pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
| |
| You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
| |
| Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
| |
| shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
| |
| got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
| |
| go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
| |
| boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
| |
| love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
| |
| can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
| |
| fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
| |
| Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
| |
| arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
| |
| say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
| |
| talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
| |
| with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
| |
| was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
| |
| Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
| |
| with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
| |
| wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
| |
| Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
| |
| mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
| |
| definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
| |
| Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
| |
| my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
| |
| here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
| |
| free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
| |
| would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
| |
| I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
| |
| -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
| |
| like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
| |
| that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
| |
| that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
| |
| amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
| |
| you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
| |
| in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
| |
| won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
| |
| I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
| |
| how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
| |
| together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
| |
| what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
| |
| the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
| |
| don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
| |
| night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
| |
| alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
| |
| James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
| |
| you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
| |
| you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to
| |
| put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I
| |
| have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get
| |
| out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not
| |
| there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced
| |
| to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
| |
| Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.
| |
| -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get
| |
| comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right
| |
| now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.
| |
| That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city
| |
| adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about
| |
| singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
| |
| Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not
| |
| a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now
| |
| tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has
| |
| reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's
| |
| hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.
| |
| -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.
| |
| -The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well
| |
| then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,
| |
| mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a
| |
| king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can
| |
| become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,
| |
| because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette
| |
| number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and
| |
| hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please
| |
| welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.
| |
| Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find
| |
| out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.
| |
| Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot
| |
| boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting
| |
| cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?
| |
| Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.
| |
| Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess
| |
| Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should
| |
| mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this
| |
| princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest
| |
| man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll
| |
| find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's
| |
| compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm
| |
| not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's
| |
| do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That
| |
| champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess
| |
| Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
| |
| runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm
| |
| willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not
| |
| very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named
| |
| champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All
| |
| right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank
| |
| you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better
| |
| idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor
| |
| of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp
| |
| back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All
| |
| right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly
| |
| the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.
| |
| What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess
| |
| just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with
| |
| full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,
| |
| donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?
| |
| You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know
| |
| what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut
| |
| open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For
| |
| your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,
| |
| Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on
| |
| the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
| |
| have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You
| |
| know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care
| |
| what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you
| |
| ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is
| |
| delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.
| |
| Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You
| |
| know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a
| |
| mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to
| |
| warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me
| |
| donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,
| |
| brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they
| |
| don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember
| |
| when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't
| |
| have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I
| |
| mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a
| |
| rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For
| |
| emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?
| |
| -Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.
| |
| Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,
| |
| please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time
| |
| for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!
| |
| Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
| |
| That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?
| |
| Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but
| |
| shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,
| |
| something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that
| |
| breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I
| |
| mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and
| |
| see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be
| |
| up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it
| |
| in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.
| |
| That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with
| |
| me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd
| |
| step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,
| |
| look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear
| |
| this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you
| |
| got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl
| |
| dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty
| |
| out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,
| |
| but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke
| |
| and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a
| |
| knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first
| |
| meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what
| |
| are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down
| |
| the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we
| |
| have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.
| |
| Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.
| |
| I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's
| |
| not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.
| |
| Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is
| |
| over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a
| |
| physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was
| |
| the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
| |
| doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should
| |
| get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't
| |
| do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It
| |
| talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the
| |
| dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little
| |
| unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where
| |
| would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble
| |
| steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,
| |
| no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you
| |
| wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a
| |
| perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a
| |
| dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You
| |
| think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.
| |
| What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,
| |
| now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm
| |
| not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.
| |
| Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not
| |
| supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,
| |
| who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should
| |
| ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and
| |
| his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm
| |
| sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
| |
| properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery
| |
| boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me
| |
| down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another
| |
| question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you
| |
| let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How
| |
| do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you
| |
| find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's
| |
| beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way,
| |
| princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think
| |
| little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure
| |
| up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do
| |
| that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to
| |
| make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods.
| |
| Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier
| |
| than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over
| |
| here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's
| |
| perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll
| |
| be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said
| |
| good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And
| |
| that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can
| |
| you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.
| |
| Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know
| |
| you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his
| |
| stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are
| |
| more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,
| |
| anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
| |
| We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm
| |
| gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just
| |
| now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No,
| |
| do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those
| |
| onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want
| |
| to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes
| |
| you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who?
| |
| Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your
| |
| problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the
| |
| problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and
| |
| go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why
| |
| I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre.
| |
| Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and
| |
| annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the
| |
| moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah.
| |
| You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How
| |
| do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of
| |
| to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
| |
| Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out
| |
| than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as
| |
| you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
| |
| before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour.
| |
| And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please,
| |
| monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of
| |
| course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was
| |
| annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come
| |
| from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives
| |
| alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh,
| |
| would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt.
| |
| -Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me
| |
| Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone
| |
| know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me
| |
| a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
| |
| flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey!
| |
| -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For
| |
| getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking.
| |
| -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite...
| |
| -Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red
| |
| thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
| |
| colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good.
| |
| Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be
| |
| alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess
| |
| here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's
| |
| Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I
| |
| think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey.
| |
| -What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well,
| |
| that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know
| |
| she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I
| |
| won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see?
| |
| -He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I
| |
| can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really
| |
| good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also
| |
| great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a
| |
| little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook
| |
| all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... ,
| |
| princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't
| |
| this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a
| |
| minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's,
| |
| I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the
| |
| dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I
| |
| really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look,
| |
| I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it.
| |
| Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
| |
| the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I
| |
| did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and
| |
| I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess.
| |
| Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little
| |
| games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the
| |
| princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess.
| |
| -Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
| |
| This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it
| |
| something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I
| |
| say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen
| |
| you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another.
| |
| This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's
| |
| beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
| |
| on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day
| |
| when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the
| |
| sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
| |
| that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
| |
| But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if
| |
| you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know,
| |
| you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it
| |
| going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
| |
| pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like
| |
| you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly?
| |
| Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live
| |
| happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's
| |
| the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't
| |
| breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to
| |
| keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need
| |
| whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye
| |
| twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I
| |
| want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you.
| |
| You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said?
| |
| -Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a
| |
| hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time.
| |
| Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As
| |
| promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take
| |
| it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For
| |
| I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no...
| |
| forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to
| |
| raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess
| |
| Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the
| |
| perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for
| |
| tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious
| |
| are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake,
| |
| the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing?
| |
| You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I
| |
| talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't
| |
| you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go
| |
| with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and
| |
| nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I
| |
| thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was
| |
| thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall
| |
| supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and
| |
| this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get
| |
| half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You
| |
| back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly
| |
| Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you!
| |
| -Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just
| |
| shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I
| |
| do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad,
| |
| how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah.
| |
| You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers,
| |
| onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just
| |
| like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I
| |
| was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She
| |
| was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking
| |
| about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok,
| |
| look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me?
| |
| -Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about
| |
| me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in
| |
| time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is
| |
| just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes
| |
| kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of
| |
| Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you
| |
| just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How
| |
| about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking
| |
| about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever
| |
| hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What
| |
| are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her!
| |
| -Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic
| |
| crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the
| |
| power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said
| |
| it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a
| |
| good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's
| |
| rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I
| |
| need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me.
| |
| -But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be
| |
| king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about
| |
| true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess.
| |
| Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for
| |
| our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before.
| |
| Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight.
| |
| -Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See?
| |
| -Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my
| |
| wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will
| |
| have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.
| |
| I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona?
| |
| -Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona?
| |
| Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are
| |
| beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
| |
| Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
| |
| sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
| |
| terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
| |
| prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
| |
| for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
| |
| Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
| |
| do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
| |
| Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
| |
| your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
| |
| back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
| |
| Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
| |
| pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
| |
| You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
| |
| Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
| |
| shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
| |
| got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
| |
| go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
| |
| boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
| |
| love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
| |
| can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
| |
| fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
| |
| Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
| |
| arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
| |
| say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
| |
| talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
| |
| with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
| |
| was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
| |
| Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
| |
| with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
| |
| wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
| |
| Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
| |
| mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
| |
| definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
| |
| Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
| |
| my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
| |
| here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
| |
| free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
| |
| would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
| |
| I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
| |
| -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
| |
| like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
| |
| that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
| |
| that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
| |
| amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
| |
| you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
| |
| in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
| |
| won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
| |
| I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
| |
| how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
| |
| together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
| |
| what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
| |
| the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
| |
| don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
| |
| night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
| |
| alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
| |
| James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
| |
| you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
| |
| you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to
| |
| put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I
| |
| have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get
| |
| out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not
| |
| there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced
| |
| to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
| |
| Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.
| |
| -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get
| |
| comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right
| |
| now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.
| |
| That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city
| |
| adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about
| |
| singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
| |
| Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not
| |
| a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now
| |
| tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has
| |
| reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's
| |
| hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.
| |
| -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.
| |
| -The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well
| |
| then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,
| |
| mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a
| |
| king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can
| |
| become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,
| |
| because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette
| |
| number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and
| |
| hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please
| |
| welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.
| |
| Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find
| |
| out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.
| |
| Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot
| |
| boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting
| |
| cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?
| |
| Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.
| |
| Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess
| |
| Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should
| |
| mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this
| |
| princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest
| |
| man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll
| |
| find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's
| |
| compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm
| |
| not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's
| |
| do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That
| |
| champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess
| |
| Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
| |
| runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm
| |
| willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not
| |
| very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named
| |
| champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All
| |
| right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank
| |
| you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better
| |
| idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor
| |
| of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp
| |
| back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All
| |
| right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly
| |
| the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.
| |
| What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess
| |
| just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with
| |
| full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,
| |
| donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?
| |
| You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know
| |
| what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut
| |
| open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For
| |
| your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,
| |
| Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on
| |
| the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
| |
| have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You
| |
| know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care
| |
| what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you
| |
| ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is
| |
| delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.
| |
| Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You
| |
| know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a
| |
| mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to
| |
| warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me
| |
| donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,
| |
| brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they
| |
| don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember
| |
| when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't
| |
| have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I
| |
| mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a
| |
| rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For
| |
| emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?
| |
| -Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.
| |
| Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,
| |
| please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time
| |
| for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!
| |
| Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
| |
| That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?
| |
| Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but
| |
| shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,
| |
| something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that
| |
| breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I
| |
| mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and
| |
| see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be
| |
| up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it
| |
| in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.
| |
| That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with
| |
| me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd
| |
| step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,
| |
| look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear
| |
| this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you
| |
| got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl
| |
| dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty
| |
| out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,
| |
| but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke
| |
| and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a
| |
| knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first
| |
| meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what
| |
| are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down
| |
| the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we
| |
| have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.
| |
| Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.
| |
| I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's
| |
| not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.
| |
| Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is
| |
| over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a
| |
| physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was
| |
| the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
| |
| doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should
| |
| get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't
| |
| do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It
| |
| talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the
| |
| dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little
| |
| unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where
| |
| would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble
| |
| steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,
| |
| no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you
| |
| wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a
| |
| perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a
| |
| dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You
| |
| think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.
| |
| What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,
| |
| now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm
| |
| not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.
| |
| Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not
| |
| supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,
| |
| who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should
| |
| ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and
| |
| his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm
| |
| sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
| |
| properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery
| |
| boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me
| |
| down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another
| |
| question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you
| |
| let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How
| |
| do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you
| |
| find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's
| |
| beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way,
| |
| princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think
| |
| little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure
| |
| up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do
| |
| that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to
| |
| make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods.
| |
| Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier
| |
| than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over
| |
| here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's
| |
| perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll
| |
| be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said
| |
| good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And
| |
| that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can
| |
| you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.
| |
| Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know
| |
| you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his
| |
| stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are
| |
| more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,
| |
| anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
| |
| We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm
| |
| gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just
| |
| now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No,
| |
| do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those
| |
| onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want
| |
| to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes
| |
| you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who?
| |
| Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your
| |
| problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the
| |
| problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and
| |
| go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why
| |
| I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre.
| |
| Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and
| |
| annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the
| |
| moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah.
| |
| You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How
| |
| do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of
| |
| to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
| |
| Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out
| |
| than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as
| |
| you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
| |
| before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour.
| |
| And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please,
| |
| monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of
| |
| course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was
| |
| annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come
| |
| from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives
| |
| alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh,
| |
| would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt.
| |
| -Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me
| |
| Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone
| |
| know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me
| |
| a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
| |
| flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey!
| |
| -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For
| |
| getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking.
| |
| -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite...
| |
| -Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red
| |
| thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
| |
| colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good.
| |
| Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be
| |
| alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess
| |
| here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's
| |
| Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I
| |
| think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey.
| |
| -What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well,
| |
| that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know
| |
| she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I
| |
| won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see?
| |
| -He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I
| |
| can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really
| |
| good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also
| |
| great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a
| |
| little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook
| |
| all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... ,
| |
| princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't
| |
| this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a
| |
| minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's,
| |
| I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the
| |
| dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I
| |
| really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look,
| |
| I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it.
| |
| Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
| |
| the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I
| |
| did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and
| |
| I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess.
| |
| Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little
| |
| games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the
| |
| princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess.
| |
| -Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
| |
| This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it
| |
| something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I
| |
| say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen
| |
| you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another.
| |
| This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's
| |
| beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
| |
| on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day
| |
| when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the
| |
| sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
| |
| that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
| |
| But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if
| |
| you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know,
| |
| you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it
| |
| going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
| |
| pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like
| |
| you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly?
| |
| Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live
| |
| happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's
| |
| the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't
| |
| breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to
| |
| keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need
| |
| whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye
| |
| twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I
| |
| want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you.
| |
| You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said?
| |
| -Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a
| |
| hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time.
| |
| Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As
| |
| promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take
| |
| it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For
| |
| I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no...
| |
| forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to
| |
| raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess
| |
| Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the
| |
| perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for
| |
| tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious
| |
| are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake,
| |
| the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing?
| |
| You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I
| |
| talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't
| |
| you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go
| |
| with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and
| |
| nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I
| |
| thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was
| |
| thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall
| |
| supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and
| |
| this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get
| |
| half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You
| |
| back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly
| |
| Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you!
| |
| -Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just
| |
| shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I
| |
| do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad,
| |
| how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah.
| |
| You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers,
| |
| onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just
| |
| like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I
| |
| was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She
| |
| was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking
| |
| about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok,
| |
| look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me?
| |
| -Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about
| |
| me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in
| |
| time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is
| |
| just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes
| |
| kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of
| |
| Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you
| |
| just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How
| |
| about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking
| |
| about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever
| |
| hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What
| |
| are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her!
| |
| -Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic
| |
| crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the
| |
| power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said
| |
| it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a
| |
| good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's
| |
| rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I
| |
| need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me.
| |
| -But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be
| |
| king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about
| |
| true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess.
| |
| Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for
| |
| our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before.
| |
| Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight.
| |
| -Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See?
| |
| -Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my
| |
| wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will
| |
| have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.
| |
| I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona?
| |
| -Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona?
| |
| Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are
| |
| beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
| |
| Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
| |
| sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
| |
| terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
| |
| prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
| |
| for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
| |
| Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
| |
| do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
| |
| Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
| |
| your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
| |
| back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
| |
| Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
| |
| pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
| |
| You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
| |
| Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
| |
| shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
| |
| got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
| |
| go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
| |
| boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
| |
| love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
| |
| can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
| |
| fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
| |
| Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
| |
| arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
| |
| say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
| |
| talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
| |
| with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
| |
| was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
| |
| Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
| |
| with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
| |
| wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
| |
| Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
| |
| mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
| |
| definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
| |
| Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
| |
| my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
| |
| here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
| |
| free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
| |
| would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
| |
| I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
| |
| -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
| |
| like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
| |
| that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
| |
| that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
| |
| amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
| |
| you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
| |
| in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
| |
| won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
| |
| I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
| |
| how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
| |
| together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
| |
| what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
| |
| the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
| |
| don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
| |
| night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
| |
| alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
| |
| James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
| |
| you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
| |
| you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to
| |
| put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I
| |
| have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get
| |
| out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not
| |
| there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced
| |
| to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
| |
| Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.
| |
| -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get
| |
| comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right
| |
| now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.
| |
| That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city
| |
| adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about
| |
| singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
| |
| Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not
| |
| a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now
| |
| tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has
| |
| reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's
| |
| hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.
| |
| -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.
| |
| -The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well
| |
| then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,
| |
| mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a
| |
| king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can
| |
| become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,
| |
| because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette
| |
| number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and
| |
| hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please
| |
| welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.
| |
| Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find
| |
| out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.
| |
| Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot
| |
| boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting
| |
| cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?
| |
| Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.
| |
| Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess
| |
| Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should
| |
| mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this
| |
| princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest
| |
| man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll
| |
| find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's
| |
| compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm
| |
| not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's
| |
| do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That
| |
| champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess
| |
| Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
| |
| runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm
| |
| willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not
| |
| very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named
| |
| champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All
| |
| right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank
| |
| you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better
| |
| idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor
| |
| of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp
| |
| back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All
| |
| right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly
| |
| the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.
| |
| What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess
| |
| just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with
| |
| full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,
| |
| donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?
| |
| You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know
| |
| what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut
| |
| open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For
| |
| your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,
| |
| Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on
| |
| the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
| |
| have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You
| |
| know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care
| |
| what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you
| |
| ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is
| |
| delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.
| |
| Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You
| |
| know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a
| |
| mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to
| |
| warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me
| |
| donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,
| |
| brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they
| |
| don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember
| |
| when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't
| |
| have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I
| |
| mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a
| |
| rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For
| |
| emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?
| |
| -Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.
| |
| Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,
| |
| please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time
| |
| for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!
| |
| Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
| |
| That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?
| |
| Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but
| |
| shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,
| |
| something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that
| |
| breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I
| |
| mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and
| |
| see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be
| |
| up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it
| |
| in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.
| |
| That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with
| |
| me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd
| |
| step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,
| |
| look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear
| |
| this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you
| |
| got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl
| |
| dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty
| |
| out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,
| |
| but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke
| |
| and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a
| |
| knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first
| |
| meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what
| |
| are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down
| |
| the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we
| |
| have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.
| |
| Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.
| |
| I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's
| |
| not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.
| |
| Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is
| |
| over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a
| |
| physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was
| |
| the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
| |
| doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should
| |
| get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't
| |
| do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It
| |
| talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the
| |
| dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little
| |
| unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where
| |
| would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble
| |
| steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,
| |
| no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you
| |
| wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a
| |
| perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a
| |
| dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You
| |
| think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.
| |
| What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,
| |
| now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm
| |
| not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.
| |
| Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not
| |
| supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,
| |
| who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should
| |
| ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and
| |
| his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm
| |
| sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
| |
| properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery
| |
| boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me
| |
| down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another
| |
| question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you
| |
| let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How
| |
| do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you
| |
| find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's
| |
| beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way,
| |
| princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think
| |
| little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure
| |
| up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do
| |
| that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to
| |
| make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods.
| |
| Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier
| |
| than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over
| |
| here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's
| |
| perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll
| |
| be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said
| |
| good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And
| |
| that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can
| |
| you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.
| |
| Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know
| |
| you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his
| |
| stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are
| |
| more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,
| |
| anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
| |
| We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm
| |
| gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just
| |
| now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No,
| |
| do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those
| |
| onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want
| |
| to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes
| |
| you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who?
| |
| Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your
| |
| problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the
| |
| problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and
| |
| go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why
| |
| I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre.
| |
| Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and
| |
| annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the
| |
| moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah.
| |
| You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How
| |
| do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of
| |
| to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
| |
| Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out
| |
| than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as
| |
| you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
| |
| before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour.
| |
| And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please,
| |
| monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of
| |
| course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was
| |
| annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come
| |
| from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives
| |
| alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh,
| |
| would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt.
| |
| -Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me
| |
| Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone
| |
| know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me
| |
| a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
| |
| flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey!
| |
| -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For
| |
| getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking.
| |
| -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite...
| |
| -Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red
| |
| thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
| |
| colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good.
| |
| Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be
| |
| alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess
| |
| here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's
| |
| Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I
| |
| think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey.
| |
| -What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well,
| |
| that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know
| |
| she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I
| |
| won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see?
| |
| -He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I
| |
| can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really
| |
| good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also
| |
| great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a
| |
| little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook
| |
| all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... ,
| |
| princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't
| |
| this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a
| |
| minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's,
| |
| I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the
| |
| dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I
| |
| really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look,
| |
| I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it.
| |
| Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
| |
| the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I
| |
| did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and
| |
| I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess.
| |
| Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little
| |
| games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the
| |
| princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess.
| |
| -Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
| |
| This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it
| |
| something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I
| |
| say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen
| |
| you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another.
| |
| This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's
| |
| beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
| |
| on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day
| |
| when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the
| |
| sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
| |
| that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
| |
| But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if
| |
| you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know,
| |
| you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it
| |
| going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
| |
| pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like
| |
| you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly?
| |
| Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live
| |
| happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's
| |
| the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't
| |
| breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to
| |
| keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need
| |
| whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye
| |
| twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I
| |
| want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you.
| |
| You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said?
| |
| -Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a
| |
| hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time.
| |
| Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As
| |
| promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take
| |
| it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For
| |
| I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no...
| |
| forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to
| |
| raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess
| |
| Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the
| |
| perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for
| |
| tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious
| |
| are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake,
| |
| the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing?
| |
| You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I
| |
| talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't
| |
| you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go
| |
| with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and
| |
| nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I
| |
| thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was
| |
| thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall
| |
| supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and
| |
| this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get
| |
| half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You
| |
| back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly
| |
| Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you!
| |
| -Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just
| |
| shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I
| |
| do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad,
| |
| how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah.
| |
| You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers,
| |
| onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just
| |
| like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I
| |
| was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She
| |
| was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking
| |
| about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok,
| |
| look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me?
| |
| -Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about
| |
| me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in
| |
| time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is
| |
| just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes
| |
| kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of
| |
| Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you
| |
| just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How
| |
| about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking
| |
| about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever
| |
| hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What
| |
| are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her!
| |
| -Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic
| |
| crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the
| |
| power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said
| |
| it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a
| |
| good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's
| |
| rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I
| |
| need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me.
| |
| -But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be
| |
| king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about
| |
| true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess.
| |
| Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for
| |
| our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before.
| |
| Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight.
| |
| -Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See?
| |
| -Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my
| |
| wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will
| |
| have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.
| |
| I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona?
| |
| -Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona?
| |
| Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are
| |
| beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
| |
